Like an Old Friend

It's been far to long since I've kept record of anything here.

I think it's safe to say that plenty has happened since i wrote last.

I succesfully completed my first year of schooling.

I have made my way back to my beloved Mackinac

Have had encounters with my fair share of Gentlemen

I must say that I am thoroughly content where I am.

In everything, in life in love and everything.

It's impossible to be sad for long when one is on Mackinac

This place has such a life in it

I had a chance have an "other"

But soon found that he was neither the right one, nor am i any better prepared to invest myself in someone

I'm finding that I am, for the most part, quite happily by myself

Granted, there are times when a heart does wish for someone

but at the same time, if it is not the 'right' someone, there's no point

I'm finding myself to be changed since a year ago

I'm finding myself to be growing up

To be discovering a new certainty of who I am

What my dreams for my life would be

I do hope that I shall always be faithful to my dreams

That I will never settle

To Pursue that which I would strive for

I want to be so much more than just a passing breeze in the world...

a social virus

suburbia...

something i dearly hope i never become.

A life where we all live in neat little boxes, with a white picket fence,

2.5 children

1 charming husband who works from 9-5

you're the stay-at-home mom

who takes her kids to the park

attends some 'mommy-group' or two

spends her days looking after her children, keeping up with the house

maybe, just maybe getting a quiet moment after the kids are in bed to indulge herself

outwardly she appears to be vibrant and cheerful, an excellent mother and wonderful wife

she drives a shiny mini-van

and has a pretty little garden in the yard

The family attends neighborhood barbeques

and everyone makes like their lives are marvelous

Steve just got promoted

Joan is pregnant with number 4

etc etc etc

but what goes on behind closed doors?

what's really going on inwardly?

I could never be...that 'suburban mom'

i could never live in those perfect little comfortable boxes, that they are too terrified to step out of

they don't change

they get stuck in a routine

change becomes a paralyzing thought.

----

such is an existence i could never resign myself to

to become that would be to deny the very core of my being

i thrive on new experiences

on changing it up a bit or a lot

on running with a different crowd

i indulge my curiosity and imagination

i search constantly for new creative outlets and inspiration

a regular change in my surroundings is a necessity

i want to be something more than just another cog in the machine

i want to impact this world while i'm here

even if it's just in a small way

i refuse to become monotonous

to become a part of the suburbian 'dream' would certainly

slowly eat away the living soul in me

until there was nothing but a plastic shell of the 'american dream'

i refuse to settle for less

i refuse to be miserable

i refuse to lead a mundane existence

if my life gets droll

i will change

even if it means leaving everything i know to start again

anything would be better

then being a cog in the machine

to be catch 'suburbia'

a dream is a wish your heart makes

i think i may have used that title before...

i've been thinking a lot lately

about life

what i want to do

about the summer

about prospective 'flings'

which i wish would be more than just a summer 'fling'

i say often that i'd rather not be attached...

but it's not that so much as

i don't want to be attached to the wrong one

i'm a little bit afraid of becoming swept up in the emotions of summer

a part of me wants to just withdraw and not put forth anything

then i won't get hurt...

but the other part of me wants to give up everything and just...live in the moment

and i know that i may very well end up getting hurt

i think though...

it might be worth it

for life experience if nothing else

besides i can't really go through my life withdrawn.

i want so badly to just be gone.

to be on the island

in the summer

in the moment

....

i'm not as tough as i talk

though i think anyone who knows me, knows that very well

i want so much for my life to be settled

i want to skip from here to there

and miss all the muddled inbetween stages

i want to find my niche

i don't know that i'm really cut-out to be a graphic designer

i believe quite firmly that whatever you're occupation is

should be something you are passionate about

and you should live and breathe your passion

i got to thinking...

what do i love?

what do i live for?

what the hell can i make money off of?

people

as much as gripe and complain about all the idiots i encounter

there are just some truly amazing people

that i do quite frankly love

i live for those moments

those intimate moments with people

the kind that create lasting memories

even if you never see them again

despite my usual lack of words face to face

i get along surprisingly well with a good chunk of the population

i have never found myself in want of a few good (or bad) friends

they always seem to find me

my point is,

no matter where i've gone, or what i've done

very rarely is it for the actual act of going or doing

more often than not, there is someone that i met

that i needed to meet

or needed to meet me

the human experience....

i haven't the slightest idea how this...

"inherent trait" will help me earn a living......

i expect though that i will be taken care of

things will work out

they always do

.....

summer you cannot come soon enough...

what to do next?

as i'm sitting here in the aftermath of the semester...

pondering several things...for one...that first line of this entry...

and where to go from here.

So, i've finished my first year of college, i survived my 18th year.

now what?

The close of this school year has left me thinking.

do I really want to spend my life as a graphic designer?

working for fickle clients and fickler art directors.

I imagine that someday i'd work my way to the top and become an Art Director myself,

but there is a vast chasm of years and experience standing between now and then.

I wonder if I'll have what it takes.

or rather, will I be able to learn what I need to, to survive in the business?

It's becoming more and more apparent that school is not going to prepare me for the "real world"

sure, I'll learn plenty of techniques and 'how-to'

but will I learn how to perform in the atmosphere of the 'real world'

i have no doubt that I will have a rough time as i take my first steps into the field.

the question then becomes...

can I handle it?

do I want to handle it?

will I have the talent and the drive and focus to get the jobs that I need and then perform well in them?

I have no desire to go out and do mediocre work. It's all or nothing.

I had a chat with my wonderful teacher and another fellow today, they've both been in the field for years and know their stuff.

I learned more practical knowledge in the hour that I sat and listened to them, then I have all year long in all my classes.

does anyone else see a problem with this?

I realize that I need an education because that is what the business world has deemed necessary.

but can't i expect more from it?

I aim to learn how to ask the right questions and to challenge the teachers so that I get everything I possibly can out of these few years I'll spend in school.

My teacher pointed out to me today that I am at a point in my life, design-wise that I can do whatever I want.

This is my one chance to do crazy things with zero restrictions. I'm going to do my darndest to take full advantage of it.

God has always been good to me, and I live an incredibly blessed life no matter where i go or what i do. i couldn't be more thankful for that.

So i guess it's just figuring out where to go from here.

I'll be in Mackinac this summer, i leave in exactly one month. It'll be good to get away, have a change of scenery, gather new inspiration and experience.

19 down.... ??? to go...

i just have to say, a grandmother's logic is amazing.

my grandparents called me today,

Biba & Bibo my cuban grandparents.

They sang happy birthday to me, then Biba (my grandmother)
proceeds to tell me how wonderful i am.

she also explains that today is the pope's birthday and he is famous,

but i am even better than the pope because i am related to them (my grandparents)

and the pope isn't.

....

then, she tells me that 19 is almost 20, and that's good

because once i'm not a teenager i won't have any more problems.

-----

i love my grandparents! :D

-----

aside from that, my birthday has been rather unventful, but good.

Jordan made me probably some of the best cake i've ever had (not even kidding)

and they sang happy birthday (though somewhat lackluster) when i walked into class, it was cute. hehe

i got lunch free at bogies, but that's cause i did the caricature for them, not cause it was my birthday.

but still....free lunch...awesome. :D

i went to the library for a while, got some more books on mackinac! yay.

good day. very good day. :)

it's going to be a good year.

18 was officially a complete year of firsts. None of which I regret.

I learned a lot and have grown exponentially as a person. Things can only move upwards from here >_<

Endeavors of a...

I don't really know....

I've been neglecting this poor blog, It's not that nothing is happening

It's just that I haven't really been motivated...to do...anything, these last few weeks.

I've got several final projects for school, and those are....eh...kinda started...sort of...

most of them are due within 2 weeks time too!

I really just need to get my act together, finish school

then I can focus on Mackinac!

I was out biking today, and oh man did i wish i was back on the island more than ever!

there was a storm blowing in, so there was a cool breeze, like there often ison the island

it was getting dark

i was biking around with my friend catching up on life

*sigh*

i can't wait to be on the island

the warm weather just makes it worse

reminds me SO much of the island

ack...May can't come soon enough!

oy

anyhoo...back to reality....ugh

that's how i feel about everything

ugh

school

ugh

work

ugh

just....

ugh.

haha.

I'm getting my new car in a few days

a '96 Nissan Sentra. i'm pretty excited, it's a nice lil car.

may he rest in peace

so my truck died...finally...

i'm actually kind of relieved...

it's over, it's done, i don't have to deal with it anymore

long story short

i went to lansing

the transmission died just several miles from traces house

trace is an awesomely good friend

he rescued me

put me up for the night

helped me get it to the junkyard the next day

drove me home to kalamazoo

and is taking care of the extra paperwork at the junkyard

what a guy!

really..i owe him, like crazy a lot.

you're the best trace! you really are ^_^

SO

with that done, i am now looking for a new car...oy veh

i think me and my 'rents are gonna spend a little bit more this time, there is a honda civic for sale, which i wouldn't mind having.

those are pretty hardy little cars...

anyhoo, not much else going on...

4 weeks left of school!!!!

which means only 7 weeks until mackinac!!!!! ahhhhH!!!! i'm excited!