My Beloved Place

"We saw a white speck before us. It was the barracks of Mackinac stretching along the side of the green hills and clearly visible before the town came into view. The Island looked enchanting as we approached, as I think it always must, though we had the advantage of seeing it first in the most golden sunshine that ever hallowed lake or shore. The colors were upon all the little vessels in the harbor. The national flag streamed from the garrison. The soldiers thronged the walls of the barracks: half-breed boys were paddling about in their canoes, in the transparent waters: the half French, half Indian population of the place were all abroad in their best. An Indian lodge was on the shore and a picturesque dark group stood beside it. The cows coming down the steep slope to the milking. Nothing could be more bright and joyous."

"No words can give an idea of the charms of this morning walk. We wound about in a vast shrubbery with ripe strawberries under foot, wild flowers all around, and scattered knolls; and opening vistas tempting curiosity in every direction."

"Such a cluster of little paradises rising out of such a congregation of waters. Blue waters in every direction, wholly unlike any aspect of the sea: cloud shadows and specks of white vessels. Bowery islands rise out of it, bowery promontories stretch down into it; while at ones feet lies the melting beauty which one almost fears will vanish in its softness before one's eyes; the beauty of the shadowy dells and sunny mounds, with browsing cattle and springing fruit and flowers. Thus would I fain think did the world emerge from the flood."

"We were in great delight at having seen Mackinac, at having the possession of it's singular imagery of life. But this delight was dashed with it's sorrow of leaving it. I could not have believed how deeply it is possible to regret a place, after so brief an acquaintance with it."

"It is known to me as the wildest and tenderest piece of beauty that I have yet seen on God's earth."

-Harriet Martineau describing Mackinac Island

Thought I would share that...

a year ago today i never would have dreamed that I would have fallen in love with that place

There is not a day that goes by that i don't think about Mackinac Island, about the people that i met, and the place and the history, about next year.

This experience and these memories i've created and will continue to create are going to last me a lifetime.

And for that I am so grateful, the summer away changed who I am, and despite my moments of despair and melancholy, i wouldn't trade anything for the world...

i do believe that everything happens for a reason, that people are placed in our lives for a purpose, not just as a stroke of luck or not.

my heart is in a funny place right now...not entirely sure where....

i still have a lot to think about

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i'm sure i'll update again tomorrow after the interview :)

i hate this so much

life just..sucks...it just does...

i hate that i'm crying

i hate that i know better than to expect anything from him...but i can't help but hope...

i hate that i'm living at home

i hate that i'm so young

god damn

i just feel so completly isolated and unconnected...i don't know who to talk to...

i don't have anyone...

all that i really want is someone to just hold me...that's all...i just want that security, that comfort

i don't understand what i'm doing wrong...why i don't have that...

i hate feeling inadequate...i'm not good enough...

this sucks

it just...sucks...

i hate that i always feel sad and lonely...

that then i put on this ridiculous front...

fuck...

is it really so much to ask...just once......once....i want life to be happy again...

it's getting colder out there...

so much is going on it seems...but then..at the same time...NOTHING is happening...it's a strange feeling...these last few days

hmm...where to start,

how about thanksgiving...

it was really good, but crazy.

I went to my grandparents house over near detroit,
there were LOTS of people there,

my grandparents, my great-grandmother, me, my parents and two little brothers. then my sister, her husband and 15ish month old son came, and THEN...my mom's brother and his wife and 9 children all under the age of 16 were there as well.

me and my 'rents and brothers had to sleep in a hotel. but all in all it was good to see everyone.

my great-grandmother told us some of the family history on her side, which was fantastic! i hadn't heard much of any of the stories from that side of the family...as it turns out, my family is connected to the Astors. John Jacob Astor's Widow (after he died on the titanic) married my great-grandmother's uncle, whome she was originally supposed to marry before Astor.
that part of the family is of german descent, both my great-grandmother and great-grandfather... So that makes my grandfather german...then my grandmother, her family came from Russia and they're jewish...i saw a lot of old photo's actually. i'm DYING to get my hands on them to scan and retouch them!!! hopefully at christmas-time ^_^

anyhoo, as i get older i'm discovering that on my mom's side there were a bunch of blue-bloods...none of that money ever made it to us though :(

same sort of thing on my dad's side...my family used to be very wealthy...originally descended from french noble blood, traced back to about 200 years ago...the stories on his side are CRAZY! but really cool!

i really enjoy learning what my family's stories are...


Saturday night i was able to get together with some of the mackinac girls. i've been missing island life a lot lately...but that made it even more so...i did send in my re-application form on monday.

i'm constantly thinking about the island...about what i'd like to do differently next year, what things i'd like to bring that i didn't have...different things to talk about at work...etc...

i truly miss that sense of community you get living in The Mission House...i miss connecting with people...which i really haven't been able to do since i've been home...i hate it...

looking back on pictures and journal entries...i was truly content and happy while i was there...i really was...

nearly all my life i've had this nagging restlessness that has just always been there...this constant lonliness...

and i know everyone feel's those things at some point...but it's just always been a constant thing for as long as i can remember.

but then...when i was on the island...it wasn't there...i was happy to just be

so, living without it, and then coming home and returning to it..has just made it all the worse...

i'd love to visit some people these next few months :)

oy..i'm getting dramatic now...

moving on...to a lighter note

i got a job interview with the Air Zoo for this friday!!!!! REALLY hope i get the job...i don't really care what it is at this point...if i get that job, then i'm SO quiting Full City!!!!!

only...3ish weeks until schools out!!! i can't believe all this time has passed already! i've got quite a few projects to work on, so i'll be busy up until the end...

pretty excited for the holidays this year! i don't know why...i just am...

i love everything about them...haha i'm sure i'll write some dramatic, eloquent something or another about them soon...so i won't bother now :P

that's most of the going-ons now...i'm sure there will be lots to report on this month...just one of those feelings ^_^

just sayin...

today is a good day

me and my friend Jordan decided last night that we'd get up early and go get donuts before class

so i actually got out of bed at like...7:20am...which is an hour earlier than usual...

i did wake up to a dissappointing e-mail...my friend is fucking up her life again...i don't know what to do with her anymore, her parents are at their wits end too...argh

despite that,

met Jordan way early, we carpooled and i got some chocolate donuts from sweetwaters! YUM!

then we were actually at class way early, so we chilled and ate our donuts... :D

hmmm...Digital Design is always fun, we got our final project,

We have to design a newsletter, the whole theme for them is "a Green Frame of Mind" so it has to be something about the enviroment,

i'm doing some of the history of environmentalism, as an issue of "The Spinning Wheel" a small history newsletter i hope to put together, mostly for myself...maybe have a few craftie editions for next summer.

I got a call from the Air Zoo today and set up an interview for next friday!!!!!! YAY! maybe i'll be able to quit my Full City Job!

hmmm...what else today....

oh! meeting with my band guy about his Logo's i designed for him. I'm feeling pretty good about what i've come up with so far :D

I'll have to pack tonight too, i'm going to my grandparents house in detroit for thanksgiving, wed-sun..it's gonna be crazy! 22 people there!!!!!!! me and my 'rents and brothers are staying in a hotel to sleep... i'm kind of glad :)

OH! i'm wearing my new WOOT shirt today! ^_^ "Ain't No Party Like A Boston Party" it says...heehee...AND it's in one of my favorite colors, chocolate brown.

i think really that's most of it...there's a lot going on these next few weeks, finishing up projects and whatnot...crazy...

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i opened up my little box of mementos from this summer, feeling very nostaligic,

i also read through my journal entries from the summer...it's really interesting to look back on who i was before the summer, and who i am now...

also interesting what i wrote about some of the people. How some of them only make one or two sentence mentions at first, and then require whole paragraphs and pages later...or vice-versa...

i got my Re-Application form for next summer...on saturday, filled it out that night and sent it yesterday :)

i know that it definetly won't be the same as this last summer, but i'd love to have another go at it...

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i've been thinking these last couple days, about what might have happened that night...what could have happened...what didn't happen...

i don't know if i've got the guts to instigate anything either...

but then...we only live once...

oy...i spose i'll just take things as they come.... :)

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i think that's all for today...i've got a PB & J sammich in my bag callin' my name :D

sweet inspiration

well my friends...hold on to your seats :P

i believe i am onto what could be the next big thing....

well...in any case it's a good idea...

mailable hugs....

yup...you can send hugs throught the mail, so no matter where you are in the world, you can still let a loved one know 'you're there'

anyhoo...i thought of this a few days ago, then today in my Graphics Careers Seminar we got our final project, which is to conceptualize a product, movie, book or service...

then actually work it out....describe it, how it would work...what the demographic would be....create a style sheet, a mockup...
IT'S GOING TO BE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH FUN!!! ! O_O
GAH!

I AM UNBELIEVABLY EXCITED...heehee...

you see...i was totally gonna work this all out on my own anyways...but NOW i get to credit for it... WOOT

OH...p.s...only 3 weeks left of school! O_O i can't believe it's already been this long! wow...i still miss my friends like crazy, but i'm learning to be....

Turkey Day..in...less than a week! Going to be at my grandparents house....22 people...crazy....10 or 11 of them are my cousins from my one uncle...sooo....that's like....12-13 people 16 and under
nuts...

the Air Zoo is hiring....i think i'll go apply there...

wow...this is a really A.D.D. post... o_o

hmmm...well...i guess that's all for now....things should be interesting these next few weeks!

i wish someone would happen

life is becoming monotonous....i hate it

i feel so trapped and restless

last night was terrible, nothing happened.

i hate living with my family

i love them

i just don't love living with them

i want to be on my own. away. free.

there's nothing i'd like better than doing something different right now

just going away

taking a trip

i don't know where to, i'm not really sure that it matters

just anywhere but here

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i watched Eternal Sunshine today...

in the movie two people meet each other, fall in love then both end up getting hurt, so they erase each other from their memories...

i do not ever want to forget.

i didn't think that he hurt me...that wasn't supposed to happen, i wasn't supposed to fall for anybody...i know better than that...but it did...and i thought i was ok...that i'm over it...and in a sense i am...but then at the same time i'm not...
i still think about him sometimes...the way he used to look at me...i still like talking to him, even if it's just for a minute...i miss him

i miss everyone SO much

i was so happy and content when i was there and with those people, and now i'm gone and i don't really have anyone

i hate it

i wish something would change...

i wish someone would happen

i wish my life was movie

so..it's been a week since my parents put my cat down. I still miss him, he was pretty much the best cat in the world :)
i mostly miss him curling up with me, which he always insisted on, even if i had other things on my lap.
and i miss having a cat around, i still have my dog...but it's just not the same...
life however does go on...someday when I've got my own place i'll get another cat...

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life is just kind of life right now...nothing to terribly exciting has happened...

had a few interesting convos...hopefully made a new friend :)

got my room clean and better organized today, and watched a few hours of "The Civil War" by Ken Burns...it's pretty good, still not sure how much i'm actually learning...but it's good....

hmm...trying to decide what to do about a job. I could apply for a seasonal position, but then i'd probably have to quit Full City, then at the end of the season..i'm left without a job... :/ ...so i'm not sure if it's worth it... in any case i think i'll go job searching tomorrow anyways....just to see what's out there. It does though, seem like i've finally gotten on Keiths good side...which is nice :)

i got a side job designing a logo for a band. I think i'll come out of that with about $80 or so...not bad for my first paid design job...

i'm really pleased with most of the art that i've been turning out lately...even when i have to work at them, or don't particularly want to do them, i'm finding that i can still create when i feel uninspired. Which for the work that i'm going into is important...however...the things that do come from inspiration, i think are much more meaningful...

so, i got to thinking after i talked to a friend of mine the other night,

about why i do and have done some of the things i've done in the last...oh...5-6months or so... since i left for the summer.

When i was younger i would not have dreamed of doing any of that stuff...

wouldn't have thought of talking about some of the things i've talked about...and said some of the things i've said...

why the hell am i doing them now?

maybe it's just a part of "growing-up"

all that i've concluded so far, is that i'm really just testing myself, and few other people...just to see what i'll actually do...

we never know what we're going to do until we actually do it...we can SAY we're going to do something, or THINK that's how we'd do something, or react...but sometimes when it actually happens...we don't do that at all...

i dunno...just thinking.....

on a totally different and mostly A.D.D. note...

i'm really stoked that my computer is now personified by a little black cat icon named Owen....

i really like that name..."Owen" ...heh....

anyways...i think i'm done for now...like i said...nothing to terribly exciting this week...oh weeeell....i don't mind too much.

what a world

i have come to a few realizations...

first one...i'm in love with books...going to Barnes & Nobles is a commitment of at LEAST an hour....going to the library....even worse as i am not restricted by money...

i love that you can learn about anything in the world through books...you can go on adventures....or re-live the past...

the ability to read is probably one of the greatest blessings ever.

second one...i know nothing about american history....and i'm at a loss as to how to learn it....reading from a textbook unfortunatly doesn't stick....working in mackinac helped a lot...with mackinac history anyways.... if i could just figure out how to use the information i find, then i could make it stick...hm...i want to do civil war renactment...just to wear those hoop dresses....they look like fun....

third one...it's really really hard not to like someone that you know you shouldn't like...but it seems like i like him anyways...this can't end well.........

fourth one...i want to start my own business...a graphic design business....but i also think it'd be cool to have my own cafe...but not just a normal cafe...i'd have book trade cafe....with an in house library where people can sit and read...or trade books etc...homemade food....etc...it'd be cool....

fith....i blog WAY to often...but i can't stop...it's...kind of addicting... :P

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i got this AMAZING furry coat....holy crap....it's so soft...and fuzzy...even in the sleeves....i'll have to take a picture or something....it's THAT cool... :D

that's really all for right now....i don't think this week will be that exciting....

la la lala...

wow...crazy week eh?

so...i was thinking to myself the other day.....'why in the world...do i blog?'

i mean seriously....what's the point?

well....here's my 'conclusion'; personally...i blog, because it's a good way for me to remember all the things that happen, aand it's a place where i can put stuff out there.....and i also blog because i am a nosy person and i read other people's blogs...especially if their my friends, so i know what's up with them. which is probably silly, since i can just as well ASK them...but it's not the same. so, i blog in case someone wants to be nosy about me, even though they could just ASK me...

so really....it's just for me that i blog...to keep a better chronological record of things that happen...now i do journal seperatly....like with a pen and paper...that's private...that's where i put the really crazy personal things...just for me.
i do like going back and reading blogs and journals....it's funny sometimes what i deemed important at the time.....or sometimes i write about someone that i just met and thought nothing of, but now down the road am good friends with them. i don't usually remember meeting people....especially if we've been friends for a while...everything kind of blurrs together. so journals are nice to have...

haha...ok...so. enough blogging about blogging...(ironic eh?)....[jeez...i sound canadian..."eh?"....]

last night, i went to a halloweeny party at Janna's...

Rusty was there.....not as awkward as i thought it would be....but a little bit sad. i kind of feel like i lost a friend....i dunno if that's true ot not. i pretty much ignored him when he first came....that probably wasn't fair of me....but...eh....i've been strung along long enough. so...to make this story short....i'm over it...moving on. phew...

Trace came! that was pretty exciting, especially after he was all like...'eh...i can't come...' in any case i'm glad he did. haha...me, him and janna probably played the craziest game of truth or dare that I have ever played....but it was fun. then me and him talked until 6am...o_o...good conversation though :P it's very refreshing to talk to someone who's totally open about basically everything.

went to IHOP for pumpkin pancakes for breakfast! AMAZING! *_* ha...love 'em.

LIfe has been looking up it seems....i think there may be some fantastic surprise hiding just around the corner....well...at least i hope so. :)


Monday night....had coffee with Nate...that was really nice to catch up with him again.

Tuesday night...made out with some great tips....almost $60 for the night :D yay! still debating on finding a new job... :P

ok....on a less sunny note;

my parents put my cat down today.... :( ....i miss him soooo much....he was really a fantastic cat, and i am positive that i will never have another one like him. He had so much character, and he was UBER cuddly, he was always ready to curl up with me. damn...i miss him. it's hard not to cry... i know it's silly...he just a cat...but he was MY cat...and i did love him very much. besides hamsters.....this is the first being that i've loved that has died...i have been very fortunate up to this point, i still have both sets of grandparents, all my family members, all my friends...everyone. i'm glad that i've managed to live without really having death touch my life....i consider myself blessed.

anyhoo....that makes me sad.....

moving on...

...i don't know where to move too.... huh....

ha...i REALLY REALLY REALLY would LOVE to move out of my house. I love my parents dearly, but i want my space and my own life more than anything else right now....all i can do i guess is get a better job, finish school....make the money i need to live on my own....oy veh....

The Hot Chocolate Effect
Originally uploaded by breezyink

Janna, Trace and I were chit chatting at breakfast today. And we started talking about Hot Chocolate...and how when it's REALLY REALLY cold outside..and you've been out there for HOURS and you come in and drink some Hot Chocolate you can feel it warm you from the inside out...then Trace thought i should "artfully represent it using only the colors, 'cold' and 'chocolate." so i did :D