god...where do i start...
it's 3am...and i'm just...i'm so tired of my life
i hate it actually
i hate almost everything
i hate that i don't DO anything useful
i go to school and sit on my ass
i come home and sit on my ass
i got to work and sit on my ass
god damn
i feel ugly
i feel dumb
and inadequate
i feel like i'm not really good enough
like people are just too nice to tell me that i suck,
or to tell me what they really think
about me
about my art
about fucking everything
just once i wish someone would be honest with me
i wish that cute boys would look twice at me
it's dumb and shallow it really is
but i hate it when no one notices me
just in general
i just want one person
one person
to want me
it's not fair
i know...life's not fair...
but is that really too much to ask for?
i watched Snow White the other day, and Princess Diaries last night...
it makes me sick...and sad...
it's cliche, but really...where the hell is my prince?
i can't help but think that if i was taller, or skinnier or prettier than people would notice me
that boys would notice me
i know i'm right...they would.
i may not be a lot of things
but stupid is not one of them...
fuck this...i'm sick of my life, i'm sick of this town, i'm sick of this existence
i really just want to disappear for a few days...and not tell anyone where i'm going...
i just don't know where to go...and i'm afraid that if i left...i would never come back...
what i hate the most
is that i'm crying over it....
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
breathing now...
ok...so, the world didn't end....
actually...i found those files i thought i'd lost...
but just to be sure...i went out and bought an external drive today...
500gb...i should be good for a while... >_<
Say hello to "Elliot"
that's the external drive,
Mortimer is my computer,
and then there's "Emerson"
He just comes for a visit every now and then...
i like that all my Storage Drives/Disks are cute little icons and names...
though...maybe that's weird?
eh...comes with the territory i spose...
anyhoo
so this kid at work today says to me: "does this ride go upside down?"
I was working the Mars Ride again...
i say: "the only way this ride goes upside down is if you sit on your head."
the kid utters a very enlightened and serious..." ooOOooohhh."
speaking of work...
I am officially going back to Mackinac this year ^_^. May 29! I need to get crackin' on my dress... o_o
and a whole bunch of other crap too...
THOUGH...i'm going for a visit in February...WAY EXCITED!!!
17 weeks until the summer...and plenty to do...but it's so far away...
hmm...i think really, that's all for now....
actually...i found those files i thought i'd lost...
but just to be sure...i went out and bought an external drive today...
500gb...i should be good for a while... >_<
Say hello to "Elliot"
that's the external drive,
Mortimer is my computer,
and then there's "Emerson"
He just comes for a visit every now and then...
i like that all my Storage Drives/Disks are cute little icons and names...
though...maybe that's weird?
eh...comes with the territory i spose...
anyhoo
so this kid at work today says to me: "does this ride go upside down?"
I was working the Mars Ride again...
i say: "the only way this ride goes upside down is if you sit on your head."
the kid utters a very enlightened and serious..." ooOOooohhh."
speaking of work...
I am officially going back to Mackinac this year ^_^. May 29! I need to get crackin' on my dress... o_o
and a whole bunch of other crap too...
THOUGH...i'm going for a visit in February...WAY EXCITED!!!
17 weeks until the summer...and plenty to do...but it's so far away...
hmm...i think really, that's all for now....
Friday, January 25, 2008
-_- there are no words....
i'm fucking pissed....beyone belief....
holy shit...
so, my darling computer was acting up
i don't really know why
i mean..it's a mac, now don't get me wrong, i love macs.
however
if you lose file
your SCREWED
fucking screwed
I was having issues with an internet plug-in
and then randomly losing data, such as Bookmarks, Address book contacts, E-mails.
SO i call the apple support line...
and he tells me to do some shit
then he says...'restart' the computer...
ok...that's fine...innocent enough...
FUCKIN' DELETED ALL THE FILES THAT WERE ON MY DESKTOP!!!!!!!!!!!!
then i spend an HOUR on the damn phone with the support 'techs
and they're basically like...
your screwed.
GOD DAMMIT
i'm pissed
SOOOO PISSED!
are you kidding me????!?!!!
the worst part is that i don't even remember all of the files that i had on there...
GOD DAMMIT
and there's a few that i do...which pisses me off even more!
fucking
i just want to chuck my computer out the window
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT PISSES ME OFF!!! dammit...
ok...i need to breathe...just walk away....cry a little bit....back up my files....
shit
i hate computers
HATE THEM
holy shit...
so, my darling computer was acting up
i don't really know why
i mean..it's a mac, now don't get me wrong, i love macs.
however
if you lose file
your SCREWED
fucking screwed
I was having issues with an internet plug-in
and then randomly losing data, such as Bookmarks, Address book contacts, E-mails.
SO i call the apple support line...
and he tells me to do some shit
then he says...'restart' the computer...
ok...that's fine...innocent enough...
FUCKIN' DELETED ALL THE FILES THAT WERE ON MY DESKTOP!!!!!!!!!!!!
then i spend an HOUR on the damn phone with the support 'techs
and they're basically like...
your screwed.
GOD DAMMIT
i'm pissed
SOOOO PISSED!
are you kidding me????!?!!!
the worst part is that i don't even remember all of the files that i had on there...
GOD DAMMIT
and there's a few that i do...which pisses me off even more!
fucking
i just want to chuck my computer out the window
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT PISSES ME OFF!!! dammit...
ok...i need to breathe...just walk away....cry a little bit....back up my files....
shit
i hate computers
HATE THEM
Monday, January 21, 2008
A Frozen Expedition
So, me and Janna thought we'd take a trip up north, nearly to canada this past weekend.
Of course, we picked one of the coldest weekends ever to go... o_o
we started our little adventure in Lansing,
where we had dinner with Trace and Ray, went and saw Cloverfield. Watched Mystery Theatre 3000, on a Laser Disk, played the Wii, and stayed up late talking about many...er..."important" things...
We got up earlyish the next morning and Trace made us some very yummy Strawberry Waffles.
We got on our way at about 11, with a bag of fresh baked muffins and some fruit and other goodies from Trace's mom.
Most of the trip was good, sunny skies, clear roads.
and then just as we got past Gaylord, i had sent Trace a text saying the roads were fine, and the weather was beautiful, we ran into a snowy mess
We passed by the lovely island, :( i miss it...
over the bridge and into the U.P. it was weird, as soon as we crossed the bridge the skie was bright blue and sunny again.
We arrived at Jared's house around dinner time, and went to Antlers for some yummy burgers.
Back at the house, they were running around like madmen cleaning for their party. I played Tetris Attack with Clayton for a while.
Then the party started, and me and janna got, as trace calls it..."awesome"
well...actually...i discovered that it takes a hell of a lot of alchol to get me "awesome" I had already drank 3 Mojitos, and felt a slight buzz....when the darling jared gave me some ever-clear type stuff.
that did me in....haha
i do remember most everything that happened....i talked...a lot...haha....thankfully i didn't do anything crazy...
Jared was a good friend, he looked out for me.
I went to bed around 3am, and slept in late...i felt fine the next morning, i was pretty happy...i half-expected to at least have a head-ache. but i felt totally normal, if not just a bit embarassed about some of the things i said...heheh...
Sunday the boys watched 4 episodes of Star Wars.. o_o
but i made 'em soup...seemed like they liked it.
Me and jared and janna stayed up late talking, mostly about girls and boys and island life.
...sorry for being a blanket hog jared...but it was FREEZING! >_<
me and janna dropped jared off at school this morning, and putzed our way back home to Grand Rapids and Kalamazoo.
It was nice to get away for a while. We'll have to back sometime when it's not freezing...
now it's back to the regular ol' grind, got some homework to finish up for tomorrow. I don't think anything terribly exciting is going to happen for a while....
Of course, we picked one of the coldest weekends ever to go... o_o
we started our little adventure in Lansing,
where we had dinner with Trace and Ray, went and saw Cloverfield. Watched Mystery Theatre 3000, on a Laser Disk, played the Wii, and stayed up late talking about many...er..."important" things...
We got up earlyish the next morning and Trace made us some very yummy Strawberry Waffles.
We got on our way at about 11, with a bag of fresh baked muffins and some fruit and other goodies from Trace's mom.
Most of the trip was good, sunny skies, clear roads.
and then just as we got past Gaylord, i had sent Trace a text saying the roads were fine, and the weather was beautiful, we ran into a snowy mess
We passed by the lovely island, :( i miss it...
over the bridge and into the U.P. it was weird, as soon as we crossed the bridge the skie was bright blue and sunny again.
We arrived at Jared's house around dinner time, and went to Antlers for some yummy burgers.
Back at the house, they were running around like madmen cleaning for their party. I played Tetris Attack with Clayton for a while.
Then the party started, and me and janna got, as trace calls it..."awesome"
well...actually...i discovered that it takes a hell of a lot of alchol to get me "awesome" I had already drank 3 Mojitos, and felt a slight buzz....when the darling jared gave me some ever-clear type stuff.
that did me in....haha
i do remember most everything that happened....i talked...a lot...haha....thankfully i didn't do anything crazy...
Jared was a good friend, he looked out for me.
I went to bed around 3am, and slept in late...i felt fine the next morning, i was pretty happy...i half-expected to at least have a head-ache. but i felt totally normal, if not just a bit embarassed about some of the things i said...heheh...
Sunday the boys watched 4 episodes of Star Wars.. o_o
but i made 'em soup...seemed like they liked it.
Me and jared and janna stayed up late talking, mostly about girls and boys and island life.
...sorry for being a blanket hog jared...but it was FREEZING! >_<
me and janna dropped jared off at school this morning, and putzed our way back home to Grand Rapids and Kalamazoo.
It was nice to get away for a while. We'll have to back sometime when it's not freezing...
now it's back to the regular ol' grind, got some homework to finish up for tomorrow. I don't think anything terribly exciting is going to happen for a while....
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Pen Pals
whatever happened to them???
it seems like a thing of the past...
especially in the age of the internet.
I thought it'd be interesting to find some pen pals, especially one's overseas.
so i did some searching, and found some interesting people.
People's stories never cease to intrigue me.
'specially older folks who've been around and lived life, and lived through things i've only read about.
it's a crazy world out there...
----
can't wait for the weekend...i hope something exciting happens!
----
i believe i may have a drinking problem...
no...not alcoholic...
this time around it's ginger-ale
i go through phases, where all i'll drink is this one beverage if i can help it.
it used to be Cherry Coke, then it was Lipton Iced Tea, then it was Lipton bottled green tea,
then it was iced tea again, over the summer and a few months after,
and now it's ginger ale.
it's just so damn good!
that's partially why i don't drink alcoholic things much.
it seems like a thing of the past...
especially in the age of the internet.
I thought it'd be interesting to find some pen pals, especially one's overseas.
so i did some searching, and found some interesting people.
People's stories never cease to intrigue me.
'specially older folks who've been around and lived life, and lived through things i've only read about.
it's a crazy world out there...
----
can't wait for the weekend...i hope something exciting happens!
----
i believe i may have a drinking problem...
no...not alcoholic...
this time around it's ginger-ale
i go through phases, where all i'll drink is this one beverage if i can help it.
it used to be Cherry Coke, then it was Lipton Iced Tea, then it was Lipton bottled green tea,
then it was iced tea again, over the summer and a few months after,
and now it's ginger ale.
it's just so damn good!
that's partially why i don't drink alcoholic things much.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
continued irrelevancy
| Your Love Life is Like The Princess Bride |
 "Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind." For you, love is like a fairy tale - albeit a fairly twisted one. You believe romance is all about loyalty, fate, and a good big of goofy fun. Your love style: Idealistic yet quirky Your Hollywood Ending Will Be: Perfectly romantic |
| Guys Like That You're Sensitive |
 And not in that "cry at a drop of a hat" sort of way You just get most guys - even if you're not trying to Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships! |
| You Are A Little Snobby |
 And being a little snobby every once and a while is totally allowed. Because if no one was ever snobby, no one would ever try to dress up or look pretty. And while you do enjoy the finest things in life (that you can afford), you tire of superficiality. You know there's more to life than what's just on the surface. |
| You Are a Friendly Flirt! |
 You are quite the flirt, but you don't flirt with just anyone. And you hardly ever get caught, because your flirting seems so friendly. You've got a good thing going. Tons of friends, both guys and girls. And if you do decide to flirt, hardly anyone's the wiser. Pretty trick! |
| You Are An ENFP |
 The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority and rules. Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller! In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart. You often don't follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. And you do break a lot of hearts. At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do. You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist. How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding When other people don't get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused |
| You Follow Your Heart |
 You're romantic, sentimental, and emotional. You tend to fall in (and out of) love very quickly. Some may call you fickle, but you can't help where your emotions take you. You've definitely broken a few hearts, but you're not a heartbreaker by nature. Your intentions are always good, even if they change with the wind |
| Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP) |
 Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive. Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving. |
| You Are a Red Crayon |
 Your world is colored with bright, vivid, wild colors. You have a deep, complex personality - and you are always expressing something about yourself. Bold and dominant, you are a natural leader. You have an energy that is intense... and sometimes overwhelming. Your reaction to everything tends to be strong. You are the master of love-hate relationships. Your color wheel opposite is green. Green people are way too mellow to understand what drives your energy. |
-----
these things always make me laugh a little...
----
one of these days i'll post something relevant, but there's not much goin' on these days. Takin' a trip this weekend ^_^
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Blast From The Past Yo...
so, as i'm preparing to shut down my Xanga account...it occured to me, that i oughta save my posts...
then, i read through them a bit...and boy do i say random shit...
sometimes relevant stuff...
but mostly random...
anyways, i picked out a few of my favorites...there are a few of you that might appreciate this more than others
i thought it'd be interesting to have as a part of the '08 blog book.
----------------
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Somewhat Sentimental
todays one of those thoughtful days.
the rain is inspiring
have you looked outside?
its beautiful
the leaves on the trees and the green grass just seem to radiate growth
everything is so beautful
i heard thunder
i love the way it rolls
God is brilliant
i like today
its a quiet day
more for thinking
than for talking
i think today, talking is a waste of breath
rather we should take a step back
absorb the world
breathe the fresh air
as the rain falls softly
quiet music floats gently through the air
my fingers itch to create something beautiful
my heart yearns for what, i do not know
i am restless
Saturday, May 13, 2006
"we're young for our age" < another stroke of brilliance by jos.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Philosophies
Those raccoons were loud!
it was gorgous out there!
I found a catapillar
his name is Andre
he dreams of flying
i think he was getting bored on that leaf
he ate like a piece of corn
he wasn't very cute
but he was andre
hehe
my life is complete
everyone should find a catapillar
name it Andre
and their life will be complete!
the end.
....there was more.
but i can't remember it right now.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable
the end...
Friday, June 02, 2006
'why are you hugging me?'
'because he told me to.'
'stop it.'
'you know you like it...'
...
......
....'I know size can be daunting.
but do not be afraid.
i love you.'
.....
......
...........
.......*slug scream*
Sunday, June 18, 2006
the vibrations of the strings seemed to send tremors up through his fingertips crawling up his hands until it reached his head, which bobbed violently about his jowels rippled back to his ears as he jerked about to the rythm of the music. His eyebrows furrowed dancing about sometimes he looked surprised as if the music his fingers played was unexpected. His nose at times rose up in the air, it could not have been higher had it been pinned to a clothes line, hung out to dry. He looked rather regal and haughty. The bow skated across the strings his body moved with the intsrument almost as if they were one. His fingers flew up and down the neck, nimbly running up and down and across, they had a life apart from the man. His dark hair parted on the side bounced about as his head moved abrubtly with the music. The strings sang as his bow slide across the notes rushed out nearly past the listening ears. Both pianist and celloist played one with their instruments completly and totally absorbed in the music which carried them.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
a unicorn is just a horse that comes to a point
they got lost once. they thought they had lost me. but they hadn't. i knew where i was. and i knew where they were I wasn't the one lost.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
SPACESHIP PEED IN A CUP!
SO DRINK IT!
Thursday, June 29, 2006
hehe...i want to hire someone to follow me around singing/humming/whistling/playing my own theme song....and it would change ALL the time. lol...
i could never sneak up on anyone cuz they'd hear my music comin...
OOoo i also want to hire some big scary guy to follow me around and look intimidating...
just cuz i can.
and...they'll all be on my island...
i should make a list of all the things i said i wanted for my island....
nope.
got to much other things to do.
now that i've puked all my thoughts into this nice little blog box...
Monday, June 26, 2006
i didn't mean to melt into the couch.
its a very melty couch...it kind of sucks you in. lol.
incredible
edible
.......
............
.......
...possum
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
jos asked if a person could like interact with mickey mouse using one(green screen). i said yeah sure. then his eyes lit up as he continues...'what about Curious George?'......
Thursday, July 06, 2006
today is not my day to die.
Friday, September 01, 2006
i was just walking along minding my own business, when a butterfly crashed into me...
nobody was hurt...
Monday, August 28, 2006
if only they knew....HA...lol...born'n'raised on krazy high self-esteem. one o' these days its gonna get me in trouble.
Monday, September 18, 2006
i know they're watching...lurking in dark corners...battering the doors and windows of my mind...
God Give Me Strength.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
so apparently you can have a romantic dinner without a man...
and you call it a "Ro-Tic" dinner...o_O...weird.
Monday, January 01, 2007
and i can't wait to see what this year brings!
i'll turn 18....graduate highschool
go to college
Blake will turn 1 years old....
gosh...i don't even know what else will happen!
it's so exciting...and scary all at the same time!
-----
(just want to point out that i had NO FREAKING IDEA what i was in for....)
then, i read through them a bit...and boy do i say random shit...
sometimes relevant stuff...
but mostly random...
anyways, i picked out a few of my favorites...there are a few of you that might appreciate this more than others
i thought it'd be interesting to have as a part of the '08 blog book.
----------------
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Somewhat Sentimental
todays one of those thoughtful days.
the rain is inspiring
have you looked outside?
its beautiful
the leaves on the trees and the green grass just seem to radiate growth
everything is so beautful
i heard thunder
i love the way it rolls
God is brilliant
i like today
its a quiet day
more for thinking
than for talking
i think today, talking is a waste of breath
rather we should take a step back
absorb the world
breathe the fresh air
as the rain falls softly
quiet music floats gently through the air
my fingers itch to create something beautiful
my heart yearns for what, i do not know
i am restless
Saturday, May 13, 2006
"we're young for our age" < another stroke of brilliance by jos.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Philosophies
Those raccoons were loud!
it was gorgous out there!
I found a catapillar
his name is Andre
he dreams of flying
i think he was getting bored on that leaf
he ate like a piece of corn
he wasn't very cute
but he was andre
hehe
my life is complete
everyone should find a catapillar
name it Andre
and their life will be complete!
the end.
....there was more.
but i can't remember it right now.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable
the end...
Friday, June 02, 2006
'why are you hugging me?'
'because he told me to.'
'stop it.'
'you know you like it...'
...
......
....'I know size can be daunting.
but do not be afraid.
i love you.'
.....
......
...........
.......*slug scream*
Sunday, June 18, 2006
the vibrations of the strings seemed to send tremors up through his fingertips crawling up his hands until it reached his head, which bobbed violently about his jowels rippled back to his ears as he jerked about to the rythm of the music. His eyebrows furrowed dancing about sometimes he looked surprised as if the music his fingers played was unexpected. His nose at times rose up in the air, it could not have been higher had it been pinned to a clothes line, hung out to dry. He looked rather regal and haughty. The bow skated across the strings his body moved with the intsrument almost as if they were one. His fingers flew up and down the neck, nimbly running up and down and across, they had a life apart from the man. His dark hair parted on the side bounced about as his head moved abrubtly with the music. The strings sang as his bow slide across the notes rushed out nearly past the listening ears. Both pianist and celloist played one with their instruments completly and totally absorbed in the music which carried them.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
a unicorn is just a horse that comes to a point
they got lost once. they thought they had lost me. but they hadn't. i knew where i was. and i knew where they were I wasn't the one lost.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
SPACESHIP PEED IN A CUP!
SO DRINK IT!
Thursday, June 29, 2006
hehe...i want to hire someone to follow me around singing/humming/whistling/playing my own theme song....and it would change ALL the time. lol...
i could never sneak up on anyone cuz they'd hear my music comin...
OOoo i also want to hire some big scary guy to follow me around and look intimidating...
just cuz i can.
and...they'll all be on my island...
i should make a list of all the things i said i wanted for my island....
nope.
got to much other things to do.
now that i've puked all my thoughts into this nice little blog box...
Monday, June 26, 2006
i didn't mean to melt into the couch.
its a very melty couch...it kind of sucks you in. lol.
incredible
edible
.......
............
.......
...possum
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
jos asked if a person could like interact with mickey mouse using one(green screen). i said yeah sure. then his eyes lit up as he continues...'what about Curious George?'......
Thursday, July 06, 2006
today is not my day to die.
Friday, September 01, 2006
i was just walking along minding my own business, when a butterfly crashed into me...
nobody was hurt...
Monday, August 28, 2006
if only they knew....HA...lol...born'n'raised on krazy high self-esteem. one o' these days its gonna get me in trouble.
Monday, September 18, 2006
i know they're watching...lurking in dark corners...battering the doors and windows of my mind...
God Give Me Strength.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
so apparently you can have a romantic dinner without a man...
and you call it a "Ro-Tic" dinner...o_O...weird.
Monday, January 01, 2007
and i can't wait to see what this year brings!
i'll turn 18....graduate highschool
go to college
Blake will turn 1 years old....
gosh...i don't even know what else will happen!
it's so exciting...and scary all at the same time!
-----
(just want to point out that i had NO FREAKING IDEA what i was in for....)
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