Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted

what i would do for $200 right now

anything

i would like peanut butter off of a hobos toes

or get locked in a room with a tiger

life just sucks right now

it just does

it drives me crazy

its breaking my heart

that theres nothing more i can do

nothing i can offer

nothing i can say

fucking

nothing

it hurts far too much

when did i start caring this much?

why do i care this much?

i try to keep my friends at a minimum

because i care

but the ones that i've got

myself included

seem to be falling apart all around me

i don't know what else to do

fuck this

fuck life

where are the railroad tracks?

Norman my ass

so, I was having issues with my fancypants Adobe Creative Suite' 3 Design Standard.
in that, when I tried to open my programs it told me that the "licensing for this product is no longer valid"
or some such nonsense like that.

so. I call Adobe customer support

who else do i get

but Norman.

now as we all know, India is the home of all tech supports that were ever created

so Norman...this Indian man answers the phone after some terrible 'hold music'

and i proceed to get transfered to 4 different Indians and one American...

omg

finally. we get to...ralph? i think his "name" was.

36 min 47 sec later.

all i learn is that i should uninstall then reinstall the programs

Ya coulda told me that to begin with!

dumbasses

oy veh

i HATE talking to tech supports of anything

they assume you know nothing...rightly so.

but still.

i'm not THAT stupid.

Venting aside. I'm currently re=installing the Design Suite...so with any luck That'll fix it...

otherwise...someone in India is gettin slapped...

~_~

anyhoo on with the rest of life

----

there's a lot I wish I could talk about

but i can't really

not yet

not here

fuck

----

I got my Voter Identification Card

I will be voting for the next President on Nov 4th.

Despite all the fire & brimstone talk about America

we still remain a fine country i think.

----

I got a job working at The GAP for the holiday season

joy.

~_~

if nothing else that'll give me some retail on my resume

which will help in future jobs

i hope.

it's only part time

so i'm hoping to pick up another part-time job as well

i need to make some money. soon...

----

this is not going where I had thought it would

----

my life is not going where I had originally thought it would

hell

i don't even know what i'll be doing next year

i don't know what I want to do with my life

I don't know what I want to be when i grow up

yeah yeah yeah....i know i don't "have to know" right now

but it sure would be nice

fuck

i don't want to be an illustrator

or a graphic designer

i don't want to be in the professional design industry. period.

i don't want to be a nurse or a doctor

i want nothing to do with science or math

i really don't care a whole lot for history either

i like art

i like books

i like animals

now what the hell can i do with that?

i've considered taking my chances as an artist...

but um...i like eating...occasionally...

i'd like to get back with horses

in fact, i'd be pretty content to work on a farm for a while...

these things are so much easier to decide when your single

you don't have to worry about where your other is

what they want to do

where they will work

where you'd live

etc etc etc

but at the same time i suppose it's nice having an other

someone who's there with you, no matter what.

oy

life is not what i expected it to be

all i can do is take it one day at a time

and keep my eyes on the goal....

...being the crazy cat lady in the big scary house in the old neighborhood...

its all that inbetween life stuff that worries me.....

Never take a blind date to a silent film.

really, you'd just spend the whole night explaining what was going on.

I'm still neglecting this poor blog. Mostly because there hasn't been anything much to talk about.

my life at the moment...

school mon and tues...1-9pm

nothing wed-sun...

stay up until 4am...sleep until noon...

putz on the computer

sometimes do homework

play with Fred

talk on the phone.

repeat.

oy.

with any luck I'll be able to find a job. It's not for lack of effort believe me.
I spend a lot of time perusing jobs and filling out applications.

otherwise I'll be going back up north this weekend and next.

I was looking back over some of my previous posts from this year

and I have arrived at a few conclusions

one. I am brilliant.

haha, no really, I am. I'm funny and clever and I write remarkably well.

two. I'm vain

as shown by my previous conclusion

three. Everytime I mention anything about being happy single

some shmutz shows up
not that i'm complaining... ;)

four. "insert clever title here"

This blog should be printed and preserved for future Historians. Because my name will be one to remember some day.

----

As far as real life goes.

My life is not taking the direction I thought it would.

I've decided that professional Graphic Design and Illustration are not for me

I just don't want to do it. I don't think I'd be happy.

I'd like to work with animals... but I don't want to be a Vet.

maybe a zookeeper or stable hand or something...

After this semester of design classes I'll be quiting the Design program at school.

Next semester I'll take some art classes because I still have some government money left...

My parents have been mostly supportive of me.

Though I can't make them understand that I'm not going to do something I'm not happy doing

They said that life doesn't work like that.

well. I refuse to settle. There is no reason why I can't be happy doing what I do.

I'll figure it out.

It always works out. Always.

maybe not how I originally thought it would. But it still works out...

----

I am pretty happy for the most part with where I am in life at the moment.

My art and creating has been fairly steady, and not totally terrible.

I think though that I need to start a new Web Gallery....I just have to find a good one...

well. That's all for this rather droll post for the moment...

something old, something new, change is a certainty

well, i think it's safe to say my life has changed dramatically even in the short time since my last post was written

the summer finished nothing like it started

i managed to stir up trouble several times over

some of which i can't mention just yet.

soon.

but i don't want to screw things up.

so i'm gonna keep my mouth shut.

life would be much easier

if people would go read a book

and mind their own business

oy

i'm home from mackinac

and miss it sorely

i miss my life there

which happens to be amazing

life at home...not terrible...but not mine.

i do however get significantly more time for art

which is nice

but i'd rather have my Mackinac Life...

in any case, we shall see how this all plays out over the next few months or so

my fingers are crossed

i hope it turns out well....

Like an Old Friend

It's been far to long since I've kept record of anything here.

I think it's safe to say that plenty has happened since i wrote last.

I succesfully completed my first year of schooling.

I have made my way back to my beloved Mackinac

Have had encounters with my fair share of Gentlemen

I must say that I am thoroughly content where I am.

In everything, in life in love and everything.

It's impossible to be sad for long when one is on Mackinac

This place has such a life in it

I had a chance have an "other"

But soon found that he was neither the right one, nor am i any better prepared to invest myself in someone

I'm finding that I am, for the most part, quite happily by myself

Granted, there are times when a heart does wish for someone

but at the same time, if it is not the 'right' someone, there's no point

I'm finding myself to be changed since a year ago

I'm finding myself to be growing up

To be discovering a new certainty of who I am

What my dreams for my life would be

I do hope that I shall always be faithful to my dreams

That I will never settle

To Pursue that which I would strive for

I want to be so much more than just a passing breeze in the world...

a social virus

suburbia...

something i dearly hope i never become.

A life where we all live in neat little boxes, with a white picket fence,

2.5 children

1 charming husband who works from 9-5

you're the stay-at-home mom

who takes her kids to the park

attends some 'mommy-group' or two

spends her days looking after her children, keeping up with the house

maybe, just maybe getting a quiet moment after the kids are in bed to indulge herself

outwardly she appears to be vibrant and cheerful, an excellent mother and wonderful wife

she drives a shiny mini-van

and has a pretty little garden in the yard

The family attends neighborhood barbeques

and everyone makes like their lives are marvelous

Steve just got promoted

Joan is pregnant with number 4

etc etc etc

but what goes on behind closed doors?

what's really going on inwardly?

I could never be...that 'suburban mom'

i could never live in those perfect little comfortable boxes, that they are too terrified to step out of

they don't change

they get stuck in a routine

change becomes a paralyzing thought.

----

such is an existence i could never resign myself to

to become that would be to deny the very core of my being

i thrive on new experiences

on changing it up a bit or a lot

on running with a different crowd

i indulge my curiosity and imagination

i search constantly for new creative outlets and inspiration

a regular change in my surroundings is a necessity

i want to be something more than just another cog in the machine

i want to impact this world while i'm here

even if it's just in a small way

i refuse to become monotonous

to become a part of the suburbian 'dream' would certainly

slowly eat away the living soul in me

until there was nothing but a plastic shell of the 'american dream'

i refuse to settle for less

i refuse to be miserable

i refuse to lead a mundane existence

if my life gets droll

i will change

even if it means leaving everything i know to start again

anything would be better

then being a cog in the machine

to be catch 'suburbia'

a dream is a wish your heart makes

i think i may have used that title before...

i've been thinking a lot lately

about life

what i want to do

about the summer

about prospective 'flings'

which i wish would be more than just a summer 'fling'

i say often that i'd rather not be attached...

but it's not that so much as

i don't want to be attached to the wrong one

i'm a little bit afraid of becoming swept up in the emotions of summer

a part of me wants to just withdraw and not put forth anything

then i won't get hurt...

but the other part of me wants to give up everything and just...live in the moment

and i know that i may very well end up getting hurt

i think though...

it might be worth it

for life experience if nothing else

besides i can't really go through my life withdrawn.

i want so badly to just be gone.

to be on the island

in the summer

in the moment

....

i'm not as tough as i talk

though i think anyone who knows me, knows that very well

i want so much for my life to be settled

i want to skip from here to there

and miss all the muddled inbetween stages

i want to find my niche

i don't know that i'm really cut-out to be a graphic designer

i believe quite firmly that whatever you're occupation is

should be something you are passionate about

and you should live and breathe your passion

i got to thinking...

what do i love?

what do i live for?

what the hell can i make money off of?

people

as much as gripe and complain about all the idiots i encounter

there are just some truly amazing people

that i do quite frankly love

i live for those moments

those intimate moments with people

the kind that create lasting memories

even if you never see them again

despite my usual lack of words face to face

i get along surprisingly well with a good chunk of the population

i have never found myself in want of a few good (or bad) friends

they always seem to find me

my point is,

no matter where i've gone, or what i've done

very rarely is it for the actual act of going or doing

more often than not, there is someone that i met

that i needed to meet

or needed to meet me

the human experience....

i haven't the slightest idea how this...

"inherent trait" will help me earn a living......

i expect though that i will be taken care of

things will work out

they always do

.....

summer you cannot come soon enough...