in the wee hours of the morning

so as i sit here drinking hawaiian punch from a mason jar....i've come to several realizations...

the first being...i blog a LOT...but it's ok...i'm cool with it....i enjoy looking back on them....

usually laughing at them...

I've spent about the last 2 hours on a forum in DeviantArt...a "help with life" forum...

it's fascinating....truly...the things people post on there...

some of them are just so sincerely heartbreaking

i seem to thrive off of just...loving people...(not in a weird romantic way...)

but like a friend...i'm certain that everyone needs a real friend...

and i'm not saying that i can be that to everyone...cause i certainly can't...

but to the people that i care about, or come across...there is a certain compassion and empathy that i just can't ever shake...

it was interesting, that as i'm browsing about this forum, offering honest support where i can...

thompson IMed me...there's something up with cindy, i'm not exactly sure what...i haven't spoken to her since before i left for mackinac...and I don't usually give her a second thought...but i've realized that my loyalty runs much deeper than my pride...

despite myself i can never deny old friends....well...friendship...even when i say i want nothing to do with them, if they need me i can't help but be there for them...it would be to go against my nature to ignore them...

i'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing....

just been doing a lot of thinking these days...probably too much...

also in the forums i ran across a girl who's about my age...the title to her post was..."always a friend, never the girlfriend." we are so in the same boat....no one ever asks us out, she's never been kissed...(i hadn't until just this summer) , no one "Notices" us....really...

i would love to just be noticed...which...i mean...i sort of have, but not really...not anything that counts...not by anyone that would actually go somewhere with it....ergh...i am just so tired of waiting...it's always..."Oh the right person will come when the time is right"

fuck that...i'm sick of waiting...

i hate it that it seems like everyone around me 'has someone'

i hate that i go out with friends or to the mall or just wherever...and see people together...and i wonder..."what's that girl got that i haven't?"....it sucks...

it may seem self-centered...but i think i'm decent looking, i know i've got a wonderful personality, i'm easy to get along with, i've got tons of great talents....what the hell is the problem?

and again...none of that...."mr.right" shit....that just doesn't cut it anymore....there aren't even any "mr.wrongs"

ergh....just....ergh...

waiting SUCKS

SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS

its dumb

i hate it