Thursday, January 31, 2008

fuck this

god...where do i start...

it's 3am...and i'm just...i'm so tired of my life

i hate it actually

i hate almost everything

i hate that i don't DO anything useful

i go to school and sit on my ass

i come home and sit on my ass

i got to work and sit on my ass

god damn

i feel ugly

i feel dumb

and inadequate

i feel like i'm not really good enough

like people are just too nice to tell me that i suck,

or to tell me what they really think

about me

about my art

about fucking everything

just once i wish someone would be honest with me

i wish that cute boys would look twice at me

it's dumb and shallow it really is

but i hate it when no one notices me

just in general

i just want one person

one person

to want me

it's not fair

i's not fair...

but is that really too much to ask for?

i watched Snow White the other day, and Princess Diaries last night...

it makes me sick...and sad...

it's cliche, but really...where the hell is my prince?

i can't help but think that if i was taller, or skinnier or prettier than people would notice me

that boys would notice me

i know i'm right...they would.

i may not be a lot of things

but stupid is not one of them...

fuck this...i'm sick of my life, i'm sick of this town, i'm sick of this existence

i really just want to disappear for a few days...and not tell anyone where i'm going...

i just don't know where to go...and i'm afraid that if i left...i would never come back...

what i hate the most

is that i'm crying over it....
Saturday, January 26, 2008

breathing now..., the world didn't end....
actually...i found those files i thought i'd lost...

but just to be sure...i went out and bought an external drive today...

500gb...i should be good for a while... >_<

Say hello to "Elliot"

that's the external drive,

Mortimer is my computer,

and then there's "Emerson"

He just comes for a visit every now and then...

i like that all my Storage Drives/Disks are cute little icons and names...

though...maybe that's weird?

eh...comes with the territory i spose...


so this kid at work today says to me: "does this ride go upside down?"
I was working the Mars Ride again...
i say: "the only way this ride goes upside down is if you sit on your head."
the kid utters a very enlightened and serious..." ooOOooohhh."

speaking of work...

I am officially going back to Mackinac this year ^_^. May 29! I need to get crackin' on my dress... o_o
and a whole bunch of other crap too...

THOUGH...i'm going for a visit in February...WAY EXCITED!!!

17 weeks until the summer...and plenty to do...but it's so far away...

hmm...i think really, that's all for now....
Friday, January 25, 2008

-_- there are no words....

i'm fucking pissed....beyone belief....

holy shit...

so, my darling computer was acting up

i don't really know why

i's a mac, now don't get me wrong, i love macs.


if you lose file


fucking screwed

I was having issues with an internet plug-in

and then randomly losing data, such as Bookmarks, Address book contacts, E-mails.

SO i call the apple support line...

and he tells me to do some shit

then he says...'restart' the computer...

ok...that's fine...innocent enough...


then i spend an HOUR on the damn phone with the support 'techs

and they're basically like...

your screwed.


i'm pissed


are you kidding me????!?!!!

the worst part is that i don't even remember all of the files that i had on there...


and there's a few that i do...which pisses me off even more!


i just want to chuck my computer out the window

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT PISSES ME OFF!!! dammit...

ok...i need to breathe...just walk away....cry a little bit....back up my files....


i hate computers

Monday, January 21, 2008

A Frozen Expedition

So, me and Janna thought we'd take a trip up north, nearly to canada this past weekend.

Of course, we picked one of the coldest weekends ever to go... o_o

we started our little adventure in Lansing,

where we had dinner with Trace and Ray, went and saw Cloverfield. Watched Mystery Theatre 3000, on a Laser Disk, played the Wii, and stayed up late talking about"important" things...

We got up earlyish the next morning and Trace made us some very yummy Strawberry Waffles.

We got on our way at about 11, with a bag of fresh baked muffins and some fruit and other goodies from Trace's mom.

Most of the trip was good, sunny skies, clear roads.

and then just as we got past Gaylord, i had sent Trace a text saying the roads were fine, and the weather was beautiful, we ran into a snowy mess

We passed by the lovely island, :( i miss it...
over the bridge and into the U.P. it was weird, as soon as we crossed the bridge the skie was bright blue and sunny again.

We arrived at Jared's house around dinner time, and went to Antlers for some yummy burgers.

Back at the house, they were running around like madmen cleaning for their party. I played Tetris Attack with Clayton for a while.

Then the party started, and me and janna got, as trace calls it..."awesome"

well...actually...i discovered that it takes a hell of a lot of alchol to get me "awesome" I had already drank 3 Mojitos, and felt a slight buzz....when the darling jared gave me some ever-clear type stuff.

that did me in....haha

i do remember most everything that happened....i talked...a lot...haha....thankfully i didn't do anything crazy...

Jared was a good friend, he looked out for me.

I went to bed around 3am, and slept in late...i felt fine the next morning, i was pretty happy...i half-expected to at least have a head-ache. but i felt totally normal, if not just a bit embarassed about some of the things i said...heheh...

Sunday the boys watched 4 episodes of Star Wars.. o_o

but i made 'em soup...seemed like they liked it.

Me and jared and janna stayed up late talking, mostly about girls and boys and island life.

...sorry for being a blanket hog jared...but it was FREEZING! >_<

me and janna dropped jared off at school this morning, and putzed our way back home to Grand Rapids and Kalamazoo.

It was nice to get away for a while. We'll have to back sometime when it's not freezing...

now it's back to the regular ol' grind, got some homework to finish up for tomorrow. I don't think anything terribly exciting is going to happen for a while....
Thursday, January 17, 2008

Pen Pals

whatever happened to them???

it seems like a thing of the past...

especially in the age of the internet.

I thought it'd be interesting to find some pen pals, especially one's overseas.

so i did some searching, and found some interesting people.

People's stories never cease to intrigue me.

'specially older folks who've been around and lived life, and lived through things i've only read about.

it's a crazy world out there...


can't wait for the weekend...i hope something exciting happens!


i believe i may have a drinking problem...

no...not alcoholic...

this time around it's ginger-ale

i go through phases, where all i'll drink is this one beverage if i can help it.

it used to be Cherry Coke, then it was Lipton Iced Tea, then it was Lipton bottled green tea,

then it was iced tea again, over the summer and a few months after,

and now it's ginger ale.

it's just so damn good!

that's partially why i don't drink alcoholic things much.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008

continued irrelevancy

Your Love Life is Like The Princess Bride

"Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind."

For you, love is like a fairy tale - albeit a fairly twisted one.
You believe romance is all about loyalty, fate, and a good big of goofy fun.

Your love style: Idealistic yet quirky

Your Hollywood Ending Will Be: Perfectly romantic

Guys Like That You're Sensitive

And not in that "cry at a drop of a hat" sort of way
You just get most guys - even if you're not trying to
Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets
No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships!

You Are A Little Snobby

And being a little snobby every once and a while is totally allowed.
Because if no one was ever snobby, no one would ever try to dress up or look pretty.
And while you do enjoy the finest things in life (that you can afford), you tire of superficiality.
You know there's more to life than what's just on the surface.

You Are a Friendly Flirt!

You are quite the flirt, but you don't flirt with just anyone.
And you hardly ever get caught, because your flirting seems so friendly.
You've got a good thing going. Tons of friends, both guys and girls.
And if you do decide to flirt, hardly anyone's the wiser. Pretty trick!

You Are An ENFP

The Inspirer

You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.
You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority and rules.
Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.
You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller!

In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart.
You often don't follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. And you do break a lot of hearts.

At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do.
You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding

When other people don't get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused

You Follow Your Heart

You're romantic, sentimental, and emotional.
You tend to fall in (and out of) love very quickly.
Some may call you fickle, but you can't help where your emotions take you.
You've definitely broken a few hearts, but you're not a heartbreaker by nature.
Your intentions are always good, even if they change with the wind

Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive.

Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men
You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

You Are a Red Crayon

Your world is colored with bright, vivid, wild colors.
You have a deep, complex personality - and you are always expressing something about yourself.
Bold and dominant, you are a natural leader. You have an energy that is intense... and sometimes overwhelming.
Your reaction to everything tends to be strong. You are the master of love-hate relationships.

Your color wheel opposite is green. Green people are way too mellow to understand what drives your energy.


these things always make me laugh a little...


one of these days i'll post something relevant, but there's not much goin' on these days. Takin' a trip this weekend ^_^
Sunday, January 13, 2008

Blast From The Past Yo...

so, as i'm preparing to shut down my Xanga occured to me, that i oughta save my posts...
then, i read through them a bit...and boy do i say random shit...

sometimes relevant stuff...

but mostly random...

anyways, i picked out a few of my favorites...there are a few of you that might appreciate this more than others

i thought it'd be interesting to have as a part of the '08 blog book.


Sunday, May 14, 2006

Somewhat Sentimental
todays one of those thoughtful days.
the rain is inspiring
have you looked outside?
its beautiful
the leaves on the trees and the green grass just seem to radiate growth
everything is so beautful
i heard thunder
i love the way it rolls
God is brilliant
i like today
its a quiet day
more for thinking
than for talking
i think today, talking is a waste of breath
rather we should take a step back
absorb the world
breathe the fresh air
as the rain falls softly
quiet music floats gently through the air
my fingers itch to create something beautiful
my heart yearns for what, i do not know
i am restless

Saturday, May 13, 2006
"we're young for our age" < another stroke of brilliance by jos.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Those raccoons were loud!
it was gorgous out there!
I found a catapillar
his name is Andre
he dreams of flying
i think he was getting bored on that leaf
he ate like a piece of corn
he wasn't very cute
but he was andre
my life is complete
everyone should find a catapillar
name it Andre
and their life will be complete!
the end.
....there was more.
but i can't remember it right now.

Thursday, May 18, 2006
If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable
the end...

Friday, June 02, 2006
'why are you hugging me?'
'because he told me to.'
'stop it.'
'you know you like it...'
....'I know size can be daunting.
but do not be afraid.
i love you.'
.......*slug scream*

Sunday, June 18, 2006
the vibrations of the strings seemed to send tremors up through his fingertips crawling up his hands until it reached his head, which bobbed violently about his jowels rippled back to his ears as he jerked about to the rythm of the music. His eyebrows furrowed dancing about sometimes he looked surprised as if the music his fingers played was unexpected. His nose at times rose up in the air, it could not have been higher had it been pinned to a clothes line, hung out to dry. He looked rather regal and haughty.
    The bow skated across the strings his body moved with the intsrument almost as if they were one. His fingers flew up and down the neck, nimbly running up and down and across, they had a life apart from the man. His dark hair parted on the side bounced about as his head moved abrubtly with the music. The strings sang as his bow slide across the notes rushed out nearly past the listening ears. 
     Both pianist and celloist played one with their instruments completly and totally absorbed in the music which carried them.

Saturday, June 17, 2006
a unicorn is just a horse that comes to a point
they got lost once. they thought they had lost me. but they hadn't. i knew where i was. and i knew where they were I wasn't the one lost.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Thursday, June 29, 2006
hehe...i want to hire someone to follow me around singing/humming/whistling/playing my own theme song....and it would change ALL the time. lol...
i could never sneak up on anyone cuz they'd hear my music comin...
OOoo i also want to hire some big scary guy to follow me around and look intimidating...
just cuz i can.
and...they'll all be on my island...
i should make a list of all the things i said i wanted for my island....
got to much other things to do.

now that i've puked all my thoughts into this nice little blog box...

Monday, June 26, 2006
i didn't mean to melt into the couch.
its a very melty kind of sucks you in. lol.


Wednesday, June 21, 2006

jos asked if a person could like interact with mickey mouse using one(green screen). i said yeah sure.

then his eyes lit up as he continues...'what about Curious George?'......

Thursday, July 06, 2006
today is not my day to die.

Friday, September 01, 2006
i was just walking along minding my own business, when a butterfly crashed into me...
nobody was hurt...

Monday, August 28, 2006
if only they'n'raised on krazy high self-esteem. one o' these days its gonna get me in trouble.

Monday, September 18, 2006
i know they're watching...lurking in dark corners...battering the doors and windows of my mind...
God Give Me Strength.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006
so apparently you can have a romantic dinner without a man...
and you call it a "Ro-Tic" dinner...o_O...weird.
Monday, January 01, 2007
and i can't wait to see what this year brings!
i'll turn 18....graduate highschool
go to college
Blake will turn 1 years old....
gosh...i don't even know what else will happen!
it's so exciting...and scary all at the same time!

(just want to point out that i had NO FREAKING IDEA what i was in for....)
Saturday, January 12, 2008

I'm beginning to understand

I'm not really sure why God does the things that he does...

I haven't the slightest clue why he would bring someone into my life, only to have them dissappear again... doesn't make much sense.


He does, and he did. And i'm sure there is a reason for it.

I know that there's a lot to learn...

but why me?


this isn't quite what i asked for...

part of me is frustrated for....i don't know...for expecting too much,

for being hasty

i really really don't want anyone to get hurt.

Nonetheless...there is something important to be learned...

i really hate to be a whirlwind and out of someones life before they know what happened....

but that's the sort of feeling i've got at the moment...

i spose i'll just keep my eyes open, my wits about me, and my prayers heavenward.

i don't want my intentions to be mistaken for anything they're not...


I'm going on a roadtrip this weekend!!!! yay!

headed up to north country! to visit the superfantastic Jared :D! with janna!

I am SOOOO EXCITED! holy crap!

it's gonna be a freaking blast! we'll be up there for a few days!

man....sometimes i forget how much i really miss these guys, especially admist all the recent drama...ugh...i hate drama... mackinac people. probably some of the best people in the whole entire world...


you guys = fuckin' awesome.


i CAN'T wait to go back! i miss it a LOT! only....4-5ish months.... o_o

so long...

hopefully time will pass quickly, specially with classes and all. Which are looking pretty good for the semester... :)
Tuesday, January 8, 2008

my heart can't help but hope

i don't really want to say too much

i don't want to ruin it

or jinx it

really, i want this to work out

i've been waiting for this for a long time

it's exactly what i asked for and more

i was beginning to think it didn't exist...

sometimes we have to give up the things that we want, to do the things God would have us do.

about a week or so ago, i did that, i let it go and gave it to God to take care of

it almost seems to good to be true

i think, i'll just leave it at that

we'll see what happens...and i'm sure if anything does happen

it'll end up here at some point...maybe...

i don't really want to share it right now...

just savor it
Saturday, January 5, 2008

I have not lost my's backed up on a disk somewhere

as my life progresses...18 years, 9 months 10 days and 9 hours later...

i've arrived at the conclusion that

a. i suck at took me 'bout 5 minutes to figure out all the extra time...i actually got up and counted the days backward on the calendar o_o


b. i may or may not be just a bit eccentric...or well on my way there

I strike myself as the type who may be that crazy cat lady, with the big old house, that all the kids in the neighborhood make up stories about her being a witch and eating children...

and that...makes me giggle just a bit....well...the part about the stories...


i was going somewhere with this....


hmm...well anyhoo

i love my job...well, ok i don't LOVE it, but i like it a lot.

this morning...i sat and did NOTHING for two hours...and got paid :D score.

then...haha..this afternoon, a kid asked me what the ride did...

it's a motion simulator that "takes you to mars" and then back to's like 5min...but it moves around and all that jazz.

anyways...somedays when it's slow, or i'm particularly bored, i tell the kids that sometimes the ride leaves people on mars. that 6 people get in, and only 5 will come out...

for the most part, kids never believe me...maybe for like..a minute...but then they're like...PSH! whatever!

today however...this kid...

he was probably 9 or 10ish...i'd say he's "Yeih High" but you can't see my hand...

anyhoo...he comes and asks me what the ride does...

so i say..."it goes to mars...and sometimes back"

he goes "sometimes back to mars?"

"no, sometimes back to earth."

"what do you mean?"

"sometimes it leaves people on mars"

"really?! what? no it doesn't!"

"yes it does, i've seen six people get in, and only 5 come out."

"nuh uh!"

"it's true, it doesn't usually happen until it's towards the end of the day"

(it was roughly 3:40pm. we close at 5pm)

"Is it the end of the day?"

"it's getting there"

"i don't think it's true."

"i'm just sayin..."

"ok...i'm starting to get a little scared"

(at this point his friend of aproximately the same height joins him"

the kid to his friend: "She says that people don't always come back"

his friend: "i wanna be an astronaut!"

the kid: "are you gonna go with me?"

his friend: "yeah!"

the kid to me: "are you sure about this?"

me: "well since there's two of you, ya'll got a 50-50 chance, one of you is coming back for sure."

(at this point the ride ends, and i let the people out...the kid counts all the people...everyone's present and accounted for. he and his friend go to get on the ride along with three other people...then the kids like...

"No...i don't wanna get on...."

me: "it's ok, you're not gonna get left on mars"

"i still don't wanna" ( to his friend) "go on without me!"

his friend looks at him, looks at me...i reassure them both that they'll be fine...but they decline and run off...that's the last i saw of them.


i had to laugh a little....i'on, it was pretty obvious i was kidding...and the kid was pretty old...i would have understood if he was only like...5...hehehe...

whatever, long as i don't get in trouble for it. :-/

some of the guys at work discovered that i can draw...they flipped through my sketchbook, commenting....and decided that i was sexist because i drew a few guys with no shirts, but all the women had clothing...i said that all my people start out naked and then i add clothes...
then they got excited...haha...."draw us a naked woman!" i laughed at them...and told 'em they'd have to pay me. :P

i really don't mind my job though, it's worth the's really easy...though i was thinking today

'bout the things i miss about my mackinac job...
i miss people asking me relevant questions
i miss getting my picture taken :P (even though i'm really not a camera whore...)
i miss being able to talk about the history and whatnot
i miss the demonstrations
i miss that piano in the hill quarters - and freaking people out when i'm in there...
i even miss the dirty old men hitting on me, and all the stupid questions, and the hot days in layers of clothing.

still...i can't complain.

hmmm...this is beginning to ramble...oh well...

school starts monday!!! O_O i'm pretty excited actually...being at home gets pretty old after a while. new best friend from school, Jordan, tells me the other day, that she had a feeling that she'd meet a cool guy in her english class..... i said..."yeah i've got a feeling.......................................nope...just kidding...i don't."

hell if i know who i'll meet or not meet or like or not like etc etc etc

I'm coming to terms with the whole 'boy' thing. i really am. Boys are nice, and i certainly wouldn't mind having a good one. keyword...'good'....however in the meantime i don't wanna be the girl who just goes after "whatever-she-can-get"...lame. this whole thing started about realizations and revelations...

i'm pretentious....i am....i don't know why...i just have this dreadful sense of...'self'?
it's just that..there's a few people i know and a few places that i've been...that when in their company or at that place...i just think to myself...(not always conciously)..."i'm better than this..." oy...shoot me.

i'm actually a pretty kind and generally compassionate person...for the most part...

but then...i spose i can't be perfect?


Creative Research is essentially an artists license to do whatever the hell they want.... and to act like they've lost their freaking mind.... etc etc etc

for real...i should do some sometime......

i think i've written enough for now...i think i'm over the creative block...haha...

now to tackle my clean and organize O_O if nobody hears from me in a few days...assume i've been eaten by whatever it is that's hiding in the waist-high pile of stuff in there.... o_o
Tuesday, January 1, 2008

things can only get better right? world doesn't hate me...totally...

it's just frustrating sometimes... when people i've been friends with for years don't act like friends.


i braved this crazy weather...mostly to get a calendar, but had dinner with Trace which was a plus...
though...our waiter was hitting on him...haha...

not really...the guy...(philip?) was just really talkative, to Trace...not me... :P


every now and again i'll get these random people who find me online and talk to me

and they'll just start tellin' me their life story...or all their current woes...or both

does this ever happen to anyone else?

i mean...why me?

i don't really get it...


i watched 'How I Met Your Mother' on today...

in it one of the guys got teased mercilessly for a nude painting his girlfriend had done of him

which really has nothing to do with what i was going to say about it...

it got me to thinking about nude art. For my drawing class this last semester we had a Nude model for a week or two and had to draw him.

personally, i enjoyed it. As an artist the human body fascinates me and i wish i had more opportunities to draw/photograph/paint it...but you can't really walk up to someone and be like...'hey can i draw you naked?'.....*awkward turtle*


anyhoo...aside from that...

i've been suffering from artist block lately....i don't know what to draw...or make...or anything....


jeez...i even ran outa stuff to write...

oh well...

what a shitty way to start...'s 2008 - (note the sarcasm)

so far...lets see...i slept until 3...called a few people who never pick up or call back...

i'm just tired of it

i feel like i'm just a convienent friend...the one that people'll hang out with, cuz i'm there...or because i made the effort...

no one really goes out of there way to make time for me

no one calls just to say 'hi'...or even leaves me messages of the like online...

what the fuck

i guess i'm not worth the effort...but whatever...that's ok...

cuz Bri's always there if we need her...

god damn it...

i'm more annoyed with myself for letting people take advangtage of me like that, than i am with them for doing it...

i just thought that maybe my friendships meant more...

i guess not...

hello've been shitty to me so far