Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted

what i would do for $200 right now

anything

i would like peanut butter off of a hobos toes

or get locked in a room with a tiger

life just sucks right now

it just does

it drives me crazy

its breaking my heart

that theres nothing more i can do

nothing i can offer

nothing i can say

fucking

nothing

it hurts far too much

when did i start caring this much?

why do i care this much?

i try to keep my friends at a minimum

because i care

but the ones that i've got

myself included

seem to be falling apart all around me

i don't know what else to do

fuck this

fuck life

where are the railroad tracks?

Norman my ass

so, I was having issues with my fancypants Adobe Creative Suite' 3 Design Standard.
in that, when I tried to open my programs it told me that the "licensing for this product is no longer valid"
or some such nonsense like that.

so. I call Adobe customer support

who else do i get

but Norman.

now as we all know, India is the home of all tech supports that were ever created

so Norman...this Indian man answers the phone after some terrible 'hold music'

and i proceed to get transfered to 4 different Indians and one American...

omg

finally. we get to...ralph? i think his "name" was.

36 min 47 sec later.

all i learn is that i should uninstall then reinstall the programs

Ya coulda told me that to begin with!

dumbasses

oy veh

i HATE talking to tech supports of anything

they assume you know nothing...rightly so.

but still.

i'm not THAT stupid.

Venting aside. I'm currently re=installing the Design Suite...so with any luck That'll fix it...

otherwise...someone in India is gettin slapped...

~_~

anyhoo on with the rest of life

----

there's a lot I wish I could talk about

but i can't really

not yet

not here

fuck

----

I got my Voter Identification Card

I will be voting for the next President on Nov 4th.

Despite all the fire & brimstone talk about America

we still remain a fine country i think.

----

I got a job working at The GAP for the holiday season

joy.

~_~

if nothing else that'll give me some retail on my resume

which will help in future jobs

i hope.

it's only part time

so i'm hoping to pick up another part-time job as well

i need to make some money. soon...

----

this is not going where I had thought it would

----

my life is not going where I had originally thought it would

hell

i don't even know what i'll be doing next year

i don't know what I want to do with my life

I don't know what I want to be when i grow up

yeah yeah yeah....i know i don't "have to know" right now

but it sure would be nice

fuck

i don't want to be an illustrator

or a graphic designer

i don't want to be in the professional design industry. period.

i don't want to be a nurse or a doctor

i want nothing to do with science or math

i really don't care a whole lot for history either

i like art

i like books

i like animals

now what the hell can i do with that?

i've considered taking my chances as an artist...

but um...i like eating...occasionally...

i'd like to get back with horses

in fact, i'd be pretty content to work on a farm for a while...

these things are so much easier to decide when your single

you don't have to worry about where your other is

what they want to do

where they will work

where you'd live

etc etc etc

but at the same time i suppose it's nice having an other

someone who's there with you, no matter what.

oy

life is not what i expected it to be

all i can do is take it one day at a time

and keep my eyes on the goal....

...being the crazy cat lady in the big scary house in the old neighborhood...

its all that inbetween life stuff that worries me.....

Never take a blind date to a silent film.

really, you'd just spend the whole night explaining what was going on.

I'm still neglecting this poor blog. Mostly because there hasn't been anything much to talk about.

my life at the moment...

school mon and tues...1-9pm

nothing wed-sun...

stay up until 4am...sleep until noon...

putz on the computer

sometimes do homework

play with Fred

talk on the phone.

repeat.

oy.

with any luck I'll be able to find a job. It's not for lack of effort believe me.
I spend a lot of time perusing jobs and filling out applications.

otherwise I'll be going back up north this weekend and next.

I was looking back over some of my previous posts from this year

and I have arrived at a few conclusions

one. I am brilliant.

haha, no really, I am. I'm funny and clever and I write remarkably well.

two. I'm vain

as shown by my previous conclusion

three. Everytime I mention anything about being happy single

some shmutz shows up
not that i'm complaining... ;)

four. "insert clever title here"

This blog should be printed and preserved for future Historians. Because my name will be one to remember some day.

----

As far as real life goes.

My life is not taking the direction I thought it would.

I've decided that professional Graphic Design and Illustration are not for me

I just don't want to do it. I don't think I'd be happy.

I'd like to work with animals... but I don't want to be a Vet.

maybe a zookeeper or stable hand or something...

After this semester of design classes I'll be quiting the Design program at school.

Next semester I'll take some art classes because I still have some government money left...

My parents have been mostly supportive of me.

Though I can't make them understand that I'm not going to do something I'm not happy doing

They said that life doesn't work like that.

well. I refuse to settle. There is no reason why I can't be happy doing what I do.

I'll figure it out.

It always works out. Always.

maybe not how I originally thought it would. But it still works out...

----

I am pretty happy for the most part with where I am in life at the moment.

My art and creating has been fairly steady, and not totally terrible.

I think though that I need to start a new Web Gallery....I just have to find a good one...

well. That's all for this rather droll post for the moment...

something old, something new, change is a certainty

well, i think it's safe to say my life has changed dramatically even in the short time since my last post was written

the summer finished nothing like it started

i managed to stir up trouble several times over

some of which i can't mention just yet.

soon.

but i don't want to screw things up.

so i'm gonna keep my mouth shut.

life would be much easier

if people would go read a book

and mind their own business

oy

i'm home from mackinac

and miss it sorely

i miss my life there

which happens to be amazing

life at home...not terrible...but not mine.

i do however get significantly more time for art

which is nice

but i'd rather have my Mackinac Life...

in any case, we shall see how this all plays out over the next few months or so

my fingers are crossed

i hope it turns out well....

Like an Old Friend

It's been far to long since I've kept record of anything here.

I think it's safe to say that plenty has happened since i wrote last.

I succesfully completed my first year of schooling.

I have made my way back to my beloved Mackinac

Have had encounters with my fair share of Gentlemen

I must say that I am thoroughly content where I am.

In everything, in life in love and everything.

It's impossible to be sad for long when one is on Mackinac

This place has such a life in it

I had a chance have an "other"

But soon found that he was neither the right one, nor am i any better prepared to invest myself in someone

I'm finding that I am, for the most part, quite happily by myself

Granted, there are times when a heart does wish for someone

but at the same time, if it is not the 'right' someone, there's no point

I'm finding myself to be changed since a year ago

I'm finding myself to be growing up

To be discovering a new certainty of who I am

What my dreams for my life would be

I do hope that I shall always be faithful to my dreams

That I will never settle

To Pursue that which I would strive for

I want to be so much more than just a passing breeze in the world...

a social virus

suburbia...

something i dearly hope i never become.

A life where we all live in neat little boxes, with a white picket fence,

2.5 children

1 charming husband who works from 9-5

you're the stay-at-home mom

who takes her kids to the park

attends some 'mommy-group' or two

spends her days looking after her children, keeping up with the house

maybe, just maybe getting a quiet moment after the kids are in bed to indulge herself

outwardly she appears to be vibrant and cheerful, an excellent mother and wonderful wife

she drives a shiny mini-van

and has a pretty little garden in the yard

The family attends neighborhood barbeques

and everyone makes like their lives are marvelous

Steve just got promoted

Joan is pregnant with number 4

etc etc etc

but what goes on behind closed doors?

what's really going on inwardly?

I could never be...that 'suburban mom'

i could never live in those perfect little comfortable boxes, that they are too terrified to step out of

they don't change

they get stuck in a routine

change becomes a paralyzing thought.

----

such is an existence i could never resign myself to

to become that would be to deny the very core of my being

i thrive on new experiences

on changing it up a bit or a lot

on running with a different crowd

i indulge my curiosity and imagination

i search constantly for new creative outlets and inspiration

a regular change in my surroundings is a necessity

i want to be something more than just another cog in the machine

i want to impact this world while i'm here

even if it's just in a small way

i refuse to become monotonous

to become a part of the suburbian 'dream' would certainly

slowly eat away the living soul in me

until there was nothing but a plastic shell of the 'american dream'

i refuse to settle for less

i refuse to be miserable

i refuse to lead a mundane existence

if my life gets droll

i will change

even if it means leaving everything i know to start again

anything would be better

then being a cog in the machine

to be catch 'suburbia'

a dream is a wish your heart makes

i think i may have used that title before...

i've been thinking a lot lately

about life

what i want to do

about the summer

about prospective 'flings'

which i wish would be more than just a summer 'fling'

i say often that i'd rather not be attached...

but it's not that so much as

i don't want to be attached to the wrong one

i'm a little bit afraid of becoming swept up in the emotions of summer

a part of me wants to just withdraw and not put forth anything

then i won't get hurt...

but the other part of me wants to give up everything and just...live in the moment

and i know that i may very well end up getting hurt

i think though...

it might be worth it

for life experience if nothing else

besides i can't really go through my life withdrawn.

i want so badly to just be gone.

to be on the island

in the summer

in the moment

....

i'm not as tough as i talk

though i think anyone who knows me, knows that very well

i want so much for my life to be settled

i want to skip from here to there

and miss all the muddled inbetween stages

i want to find my niche

i don't know that i'm really cut-out to be a graphic designer

i believe quite firmly that whatever you're occupation is

should be something you are passionate about

and you should live and breathe your passion

i got to thinking...

what do i love?

what do i live for?

what the hell can i make money off of?

people

as much as gripe and complain about all the idiots i encounter

there are just some truly amazing people

that i do quite frankly love

i live for those moments

those intimate moments with people

the kind that create lasting memories

even if you never see them again

despite my usual lack of words face to face

i get along surprisingly well with a good chunk of the population

i have never found myself in want of a few good (or bad) friends

they always seem to find me

my point is,

no matter where i've gone, or what i've done

very rarely is it for the actual act of going or doing

more often than not, there is someone that i met

that i needed to meet

or needed to meet me

the human experience....

i haven't the slightest idea how this...

"inherent trait" will help me earn a living......

i expect though that i will be taken care of

things will work out

they always do

.....

summer you cannot come soon enough...

what to do next?

as i'm sitting here in the aftermath of the semester...

pondering several things...for one...that first line of this entry...

and where to go from here.

So, i've finished my first year of college, i survived my 18th year.

now what?

The close of this school year has left me thinking.

do I really want to spend my life as a graphic designer?

working for fickle clients and fickler art directors.

I imagine that someday i'd work my way to the top and become an Art Director myself,

but there is a vast chasm of years and experience standing between now and then.

I wonder if I'll have what it takes.

or rather, will I be able to learn what I need to, to survive in the business?

It's becoming more and more apparent that school is not going to prepare me for the "real world"

sure, I'll learn plenty of techniques and 'how-to'

but will I learn how to perform in the atmosphere of the 'real world'

i have no doubt that I will have a rough time as i take my first steps into the field.

the question then becomes...

can I handle it?

do I want to handle it?

will I have the talent and the drive and focus to get the jobs that I need and then perform well in them?

I have no desire to go out and do mediocre work. It's all or nothing.

I had a chat with my wonderful teacher and another fellow today, they've both been in the field for years and know their stuff.

I learned more practical knowledge in the hour that I sat and listened to them, then I have all year long in all my classes.

does anyone else see a problem with this?

I realize that I need an education because that is what the business world has deemed necessary.

but can't i expect more from it?

I aim to learn how to ask the right questions and to challenge the teachers so that I get everything I possibly can out of these few years I'll spend in school.

My teacher pointed out to me today that I am at a point in my life, design-wise that I can do whatever I want.

This is my one chance to do crazy things with zero restrictions. I'm going to do my darndest to take full advantage of it.

God has always been good to me, and I live an incredibly blessed life no matter where i go or what i do. i couldn't be more thankful for that.

So i guess it's just figuring out where to go from here.

I'll be in Mackinac this summer, i leave in exactly one month. It'll be good to get away, have a change of scenery, gather new inspiration and experience.

19 down.... ??? to go...

i just have to say, a grandmother's logic is amazing.

my grandparents called me today,

Biba & Bibo my cuban grandparents.

They sang happy birthday to me, then Biba (my grandmother)
proceeds to tell me how wonderful i am.

she also explains that today is the pope's birthday and he is famous,

but i am even better than the pope because i am related to them (my grandparents)

and the pope isn't.

....

then, she tells me that 19 is almost 20, and that's good

because once i'm not a teenager i won't have any more problems.

-----

i love my grandparents! :D

-----

aside from that, my birthday has been rather unventful, but good.

Jordan made me probably some of the best cake i've ever had (not even kidding)

and they sang happy birthday (though somewhat lackluster) when i walked into class, it was cute. hehe

i got lunch free at bogies, but that's cause i did the caricature for them, not cause it was my birthday.

but still....free lunch...awesome. :D

i went to the library for a while, got some more books on mackinac! yay.

good day. very good day. :)

it's going to be a good year.

18 was officially a complete year of firsts. None of which I regret.

I learned a lot and have grown exponentially as a person. Things can only move upwards from here >_<

Endeavors of a...

I don't really know....

I've been neglecting this poor blog, It's not that nothing is happening

It's just that I haven't really been motivated...to do...anything, these last few weeks.

I've got several final projects for school, and those are....eh...kinda started...sort of...

most of them are due within 2 weeks time too!

I really just need to get my act together, finish school

then I can focus on Mackinac!

I was out biking today, and oh man did i wish i was back on the island more than ever!

there was a storm blowing in, so there was a cool breeze, like there often ison the island

it was getting dark

i was biking around with my friend catching up on life

*sigh*

i can't wait to be on the island

the warm weather just makes it worse

reminds me SO much of the island

ack...May can't come soon enough!

oy

anyhoo...back to reality....ugh

that's how i feel about everything

ugh

school

ugh

work

ugh

just....

ugh.

haha.

I'm getting my new car in a few days

a '96 Nissan Sentra. i'm pretty excited, it's a nice lil car.

may he rest in peace

so my truck died...finally...

i'm actually kind of relieved...

it's over, it's done, i don't have to deal with it anymore

long story short

i went to lansing

the transmission died just several miles from traces house

trace is an awesomely good friend

he rescued me

put me up for the night

helped me get it to the junkyard the next day

drove me home to kalamazoo

and is taking care of the extra paperwork at the junkyard

what a guy!

really..i owe him, like crazy a lot.

you're the best trace! you really are ^_^

SO

with that done, i am now looking for a new car...oy veh

i think me and my 'rents are gonna spend a little bit more this time, there is a honda civic for sale, which i wouldn't mind having.

those are pretty hardy little cars...

anyhoo, not much else going on...

4 weeks left of school!!!!

which means only 7 weeks until mackinac!!!!! ahhhhH!!!! i'm excited!

all that's left are jelly beans and weird chocolate eggs...

you know those days...

...when it seems like something isn't right.

there's a thick ominous....thing...in the air...that smothers everything.

your imagination paints monsters around every corner

and plays horrific scenes over...and over...and over again...

It's those days...

when you can't help but look over your should...

...turn on all the lights...

...even though it's the middle of the day....

...

the nights preceding those days...

...are often fitful

your sleep is riddled with strange surreal dreams...

...that seem to carry over into the real world...

so when you wake up you feel...

...disoriented...unsure of what's real and what is a dream...

It's hard to go through those days

pretending like they're ordinary days

they're not.

the heaviness in the air reaks of some dramatic event ready to unfold.

you can hear it on the wind

in the whistle of a train that never comes

everything is unsettled.

the nights that follow those days are strange too...

time does not pass steadily

sometimes it flys

sometimes it crawls

and sometimes it stops completly and we are all suspended.

sleep is hard to find again.

monsters take up residence in every possible nook and cranny

despite the lights you left on

everytime you close your eyes

those horrific scenes...more horrible than before...

scream across your mind.


those days are strange and unsettling...

perhaps it's because of the storm.

really...

so...i ended it...

it just wasn't fair to either of us really

it was fun while it lasted

i don't regret anything

and i think we'll still be friends

really at this point in my life i'm a much better single person

and quite content spending time with myself :P

i also withdrew from my ridiculous math class...

there's really no reason to rant about it now...so..i won't.

I have a brilliant piece of literature in the works

"The Craftie Field Guide"

all the perks and quirks of being a craftie

all the things they don't teach you in orientation

and a variety of other stories and interesting tidbits

i think it'll be at least mildly entertaining..at least for those who have experienced the craftie life.

needless to say i am VERY excited about going back to Mackinac.

10 weeks!!!! which is still FAR to long, but then i still have a lot to do, as has been previously mentioned.

i've got lots to keep me busy i guess...

i've been playing Harvest Moon: Magical Melody

it's very addicting....heheh...personally i'm a fan of virtual farming...

Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits...also addicting...man...those things are TASTY...
-----

this guy just walked by on the street who looks like Adrian Monk...'cept he didn't look like...OCD...really...

-----

I'll be turning 19 soon...it's kind of a boring birthday...19...nothing exciting really happens...not i mean...you're still technically a teenager, though legally an adult, but you've already legally been an adult for a year, you still aren't old enough to drink, not for another 2 years...etc etc etc...

i want a video camera for my birthday this year....


i'm meeting my band guy in a little bit here, i designed a drum-head for him...this project has seriously gone on for like...6 months...it's ridiculous. But it's been a good learning experience i think.

-----

well...i think that'll be all....

here's to single life and Independence, i remain the eccentric i will always be....

Should We Call a Rose by Any Other Name?

probably not...i don't think anyone would know what we were talking about....

i'm still a bit worried about hurting him...

i may just be stringing him along...

though...i'm not really sure that it matters

i just...i don't know that i can see myself being honest while i'm away

or totally faithful...

hmm...i guess we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it...

I'm really getting quite excited for the summer now...like...really...

we're almost within two months time....there's still so much i have to do before i go

lists to make

things to buy

art to print

crap to pack

bike to ride

reading! lots and lots and lots of reading to do!!! oh man..so much reading...

i did not read anywhere near as much as i wanted over the winter....

my time was rather devoted to an affair with my computer...haha...

really...me and mortimer...and now elliot...practically inseperable.

Mortimer will be coming with me this summer....not sure about Elliot, he's a pretty pricey little piece of goodness with valuable information that i personally would cry for days were it lost...

like really...days....

so really...

besides school, which will be over in about 6 weeks, most of my thought power is devoted to Mackinac and the Like...

it's gonna be a good life...

it's a shame really...

shocking how long it's been since i've thought to post here again...

i'm mean really..

me...

the queen of blogging useless things that no one really needs to know....

psh

so where have i been?

no...freaking...idea...

well...there is that boy... ;p

he takes up a lot of my productive hours, but uh...hey...i'm not complainin'

he's nice to have around :D

spring break is this week, what a relief

i can breathe...

work this weekend sucked

i cried

but...it's over now...i'm over it

only 10ish weeks until mackinac! i really can't wait...and i need to get some moolah so i can finish my dress

really

i've used that word entirely too much already in this post...

lame

p.s. crying over boys = lame

well....i've run out of useless things to say that no one really wants to know

i'm out.

one is not born a woman. one becomes one.

i do believe i'm well on my way...

so...uh..about that tea...

i swear, not even 24 hours after i wrote that last post

some schmuck waltz into my life

and well, now we're dating

oh the irony

:P

really i like him

quite a bit

he's fun, cute, nice, etc

so, we'll see what happens

at this point i'm not totally attached

actually...it's still a little strange being 'with' someone.

I still need my space at times, but he's nice to have around :P

oy...i'm really not sure just yet.

a part of me is practically bustin' ready to bolt in quite the opposite direction

but then a part of me really loves it

the part that likes the idea of tea. heh

but...i think that if i don't give this a shot, i never will...i mean...with anyone

not seriously.

i am ridiculous.......

-----------------------------

i took a trip to mackinac island this last weekend...

it was freaking cold.

but fun. sledding...way fun.

got a wee bit awesome saturday night...heheh...

though...i've realized that there are certain people whom i love dearly but cannot travel with...

they drive me fucking crazy.

i'm very much looking forward to this summer

when i can have my space if need be...

-----------------------------

i didn't realize really until this weekend how much i really need space to breath

when i don't have any obligations to anyone

i don't have to talk to anybody or deal with anyone

just time to chill

-----------------------------

the semester is nearly half-way over.

summer will be here before i know it.

i wonder how much i'll change this year...

it's been a doozy....

i turned 18 and went to hell....heh...really though...i've changed so much, and done just about everything a 'typical' young adult does in the last year...

nonetheless it's been a good year and i wouldn't change anything for the world.

Men are Like Tea

well..sort of

I think that men are like tea for me

They come in a variety of different flavors, and colors and shapes etc

Now here's the thing with me and tea

I love the idea of tea

brewing a nice pot

curling up with a hot cup of sweetened tea and a good book or movie...

and i often think to myself..."I should drink some tea..."

so every now and again I'll make myself a cup of tea...

and really...i don't like it that much

it doesn't matter how strong i make it, or how much sugar i put in or cream or whatever

in the end

i prefer coffee

however i love the idea of drinking tea

i love looking at teapots

and looking at all the different flavors of tea, and all the different tins and containers they come in

but really...i don't actually like drinking tea...

now...what does this have to do with men you might ask?

here's the thing

i love the idea of having a guy

i love looking at guys

i love talking to guys

i may even have an escapade or two with one

but in the end

i like my freedom more, i like being unattached and able to go wherever i want, whenever i want, with whomever i want.

so...tea = relationships
coffee= independence

and i'm ok with that. for now. :)

I think i'll just leave it at that.

The Future Ain't What It Used To Be

i am probably one of the most ridiculous procrastinators i have ever met...

this is me sitting down to do homework...

get out homework...look at it...maybe

think about doing my homework

sign on to AIM

check e-mail

check facebook

check i-am-bored

use firefoxes stumble feature, get lost on the web for about an hour

check facebook

shuffle through my music

get a snack

think about my homework

clean up my desk

re-organize the files on my computer

check facebook

pick a different genre of music to listen to

go to the bathroom

go practice my violin

play the fife

putz around on the piano

if no one's home sing whatever showtunes i can remember

look up the lyrics to the songs i don't remember

check facebook

Play Wii Sports

maybe play DDR or Guitar Hero

----

haha, well you get the idea...Finally...the day or so before class...i'll get it done..

ANYhoo

I'm not really sure what to make of life at the moment, it's ok. it's not like...great, but it's not horrible either.

work is going well, i do enjoy working with most of the people there. I hope that i'll be able to go back there this fall.

school is going pretty well too...i do have homework i need to get done for that...which i am currently putting off... >_<

getting pretty excited for this winter weekend on mackinac! getting pretty freakin' excited for the summer too!

I've been doing a lot of thinking these days...just about life and living and people and interacting...haven't come across anything brilliant yet :P

i had originally started this entry with an intention...but i don't recall what that was now...

i SPOSE i'll actually start on my homework now...haha...in tonights case, re-arranging my room was a part of the 'process'

i hope something exciting happens soon...i think.... >_<

fuck this

god...where do i start...

it's 3am...and i'm just...i'm so tired of my life

i hate it actually

i hate almost everything

i hate that i don't DO anything useful

i go to school and sit on my ass

i come home and sit on my ass

i got to work and sit on my ass

god damn

i feel ugly

i feel dumb

and inadequate

i feel like i'm not really good enough

like people are just too nice to tell me that i suck,

or to tell me what they really think

about me

about my art

about fucking everything

just once i wish someone would be honest with me

i wish that cute boys would look twice at me

it's dumb and shallow it really is

but i hate it when no one notices me

just in general

i just want one person

one person

to want me

it's not fair

i know...life's not fair...

but is that really too much to ask for?

i watched Snow White the other day, and Princess Diaries last night...

it makes me sick...and sad...

it's cliche, but really...where the hell is my prince?

i can't help but think that if i was taller, or skinnier or prettier than people would notice me

that boys would notice me

i know i'm right...they would.

i may not be a lot of things

but stupid is not one of them...

fuck this...i'm sick of my life, i'm sick of this town, i'm sick of this existence

i really just want to disappear for a few days...and not tell anyone where i'm going...

i just don't know where to go...and i'm afraid that if i left...i would never come back...

what i hate the most

is that i'm crying over it....

breathing now...

ok...so, the world didn't end....
actually...i found those files i thought i'd lost...

but just to be sure...i went out and bought an external drive today...

500gb...i should be good for a while... >_<



Say hello to "Elliot"

that's the external drive,

Mortimer is my computer,

and then there's "Emerson"



He just comes for a visit every now and then...

i like that all my Storage Drives/Disks are cute little icons and names...

though...maybe that's weird?

eh...comes with the territory i spose...

anyhoo


so this kid at work today says to me: "does this ride go upside down?"
I was working the Mars Ride again...
i say: "the only way this ride goes upside down is if you sit on your head."
the kid utters a very enlightened and serious..." ooOOooohhh."

speaking of work...

I am officially going back to Mackinac this year ^_^. May 29! I need to get crackin' on my dress... o_o
and a whole bunch of other crap too...

THOUGH...i'm going for a visit in February...WAY EXCITED!!!

17 weeks until the summer...and plenty to do...but it's so far away...

hmm...i think really, that's all for now....

-_- there are no words....

i'm fucking pissed....beyone belief....

holy shit...

so, my darling computer was acting up

i don't really know why

i mean..it's a mac, now don't get me wrong, i love macs.

however

if you lose file

your SCREWED

fucking screwed

I was having issues with an internet plug-in

and then randomly losing data, such as Bookmarks, Address book contacts, E-mails.

SO i call the apple support line...

and he tells me to do some shit

then he says...'restart' the computer...

ok...that's fine...innocent enough...

FUCKIN' DELETED ALL THE FILES THAT WERE ON MY DESKTOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

then i spend an HOUR on the damn phone with the support 'techs

and they're basically like...

your screwed.

GOD DAMMIT

i'm pissed

SOOOO PISSED!

are you kidding me????!?!!!

the worst part is that i don't even remember all of the files that i had on there...

GOD DAMMIT

and there's a few that i do...which pisses me off even more!

fucking

i just want to chuck my computer out the window

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT PISSES ME OFF!!! dammit...

ok...i need to breathe...just walk away....cry a little bit....back up my files....

shit

i hate computers

HATE THEM

A Frozen Expedition

So, me and Janna thought we'd take a trip up north, nearly to canada this past weekend.

Of course, we picked one of the coldest weekends ever to go... o_o

we started our little adventure in Lansing,

where we had dinner with Trace and Ray, went and saw Cloverfield. Watched Mystery Theatre 3000, on a Laser Disk, played the Wii, and stayed up late talking about many...er..."important" things...

We got up earlyish the next morning and Trace made us some very yummy Strawberry Waffles.

We got on our way at about 11, with a bag of fresh baked muffins and some fruit and other goodies from Trace's mom.

Most of the trip was good, sunny skies, clear roads.

and then just as we got past Gaylord, i had sent Trace a text saying the roads were fine, and the weather was beautiful, we ran into a snowy mess



We passed by the lovely island, :( i miss it...
over the bridge and into the U.P. it was weird, as soon as we crossed the bridge the skie was bright blue and sunny again.

We arrived at Jared's house around dinner time, and went to Antlers for some yummy burgers.

Back at the house, they were running around like madmen cleaning for their party. I played Tetris Attack with Clayton for a while.

Then the party started, and me and janna got, as trace calls it..."awesome"

well...actually...i discovered that it takes a hell of a lot of alchol to get me "awesome" I had already drank 3 Mojitos, and felt a slight buzz....when the darling jared gave me some ever-clear type stuff.

that did me in....haha

i do remember most everything that happened....i talked...a lot...haha....thankfully i didn't do anything crazy...

Jared was a good friend, he looked out for me.

I went to bed around 3am, and slept in late...i felt fine the next morning, i was pretty happy...i half-expected to at least have a head-ache. but i felt totally normal, if not just a bit embarassed about some of the things i said...heheh...

Sunday the boys watched 4 episodes of Star Wars.. o_o

but i made 'em soup...seemed like they liked it.

Me and jared and janna stayed up late talking, mostly about girls and boys and island life.

...sorry for being a blanket hog jared...but it was FREEZING! >_<

me and janna dropped jared off at school this morning, and putzed our way back home to Grand Rapids and Kalamazoo.

It was nice to get away for a while. We'll have to back sometime when it's not freezing...

now it's back to the regular ol' grind, got some homework to finish up for tomorrow. I don't think anything terribly exciting is going to happen for a while....

Pen Pals

whatever happened to them???

it seems like a thing of the past...

especially in the age of the internet.

I thought it'd be interesting to find some pen pals, especially one's overseas.

so i did some searching, and found some interesting people.

People's stories never cease to intrigue me.

'specially older folks who've been around and lived life, and lived through things i've only read about.

it's a crazy world out there...

----

can't wait for the weekend...i hope something exciting happens!

----

i believe i may have a drinking problem...

no...not alcoholic...

this time around it's ginger-ale

i go through phases, where all i'll drink is this one beverage if i can help it.

it used to be Cherry Coke, then it was Lipton Iced Tea, then it was Lipton bottled green tea,

then it was iced tea again, over the summer and a few months after,

and now it's ginger ale.

it's just so damn good!

that's partially why i don't drink alcoholic things much.

continued irrelevancy

Your Love Life is Like The Princess Bride

"Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind." For you, love is like a fairy tale - albeit a fairly twisted one. You believe romance is all about loyalty, fate, and a good big of goofy fun. Your love style: Idealistic yet quirky Your Hollywood Ending Will Be: Perfectly romantic

What Movie Is Your Love Life Like?

Guys Like That You're Sensitive

And not in that "cry at a drop of a hat" sort of way You just get most guys - even if you're not trying to Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships!

What Do Guys Like About You?

You Are A Little Snobby

And being a little snobby every once and a while is totally allowed. Because if no one was ever snobby, no one would ever try to dress up or look pretty. And while you do enjoy the finest things in life (that you can afford), you tire of superficiality. You know there's more to life than what's just on the surface.

Are You a Snobby Girl?

You Are a Friendly Flirt!

You are quite the flirt, but you don't flirt with just anyone. And you hardly ever get caught, because your flirting seems so friendly. You've got a good thing going. Tons of friends, both guys and girls. And if you do decide to flirt, hardly anyone's the wiser. Pretty trick!

What Kind of Flirty Girl Are You?

You Are An ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority and rules. Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller! In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart. You often don't follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. And you do break a lot of hearts. At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do. You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist. How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding When other people don't get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused

What's Your Personality Type?

You Follow Your Heart

You're romantic, sentimental, and emotional. You tend to fall in (and out of) love very quickly. Some may call you fickle, but you can't help where your emotions take you. You've definitely broken a few hearts, but you're not a heartbreaker by nature. Your intentions are always good, even if they change with the wind

Do You Follow Your Head or Your Heart?

Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive. Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

You Are a Red Crayon

Your world is colored with bright, vivid, wild colors. You have a deep, complex personality - and you are always expressing something about yourself. Bold and dominant, you are a natural leader. You have an energy that is intense... and sometimes overwhelming. Your reaction to everything tends to be strong. You are the master of love-hate relationships. Your color wheel opposite is green. Green people are way too mellow to understand what drives your energy.

What Color Crayon Are You?

-----

these things always make me laugh a little...

----

one of these days i'll post something relevant, but there's not much goin' on these days. Takin' a trip this weekend ^_^

Blast From The Past Yo...

so, as i'm preparing to shut down my Xanga account...it occured to me, that i oughta save my posts...
then, i read through them a bit...and boy do i say random shit...

sometimes relevant stuff...

but mostly random...

anyways, i picked out a few of my favorites...there are a few of you that might appreciate this more than others

i thought it'd be interesting to have as a part of the '08 blog book.


----------------

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Somewhat Sentimental
todays one of those thoughtful days.
the rain is inspiring
have you looked outside?
its beautiful
the leaves on the trees and the green grass just seem to radiate growth
everything is so beautful
i heard thunder
i love the way it rolls
God is brilliant
i like today
its a quiet day
more for thinking
than for talking
i think today, talking is a waste of breath
rather we should take a step back
absorb the world
breathe the fresh air
as the rain falls softly
quiet music floats gently through the air
my fingers itch to create something beautiful
my heart yearns for what, i do not know
i am restless

Saturday, May 13, 2006
"we're young for our age" < another stroke of brilliance by jos.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Philosophies
Those raccoons were loud!
it was gorgous out there!
I found a catapillar
his name is Andre
he dreams of flying
i think he was getting bored on that leaf
he ate like a piece of corn
he wasn't very cute
but he was andre
hehe
my life is complete
everyone should find a catapillar
name it Andre
and their life will be complete!
the end.
....there was more.
but i can't remember it right now.

Thursday, May 18, 2006
If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable
the end...

Friday, June 02, 2006
'why are you hugging me?'
'because he told me to.'
'stop it.'
'you know you like it...'
...
......
....'I know size can be daunting.
but do not be afraid.
i love you.'
.....
......
...........
.......*slug scream*

Sunday, June 18, 2006
the vibrations of the strings seemed to send tremors up through his fingertips crawling up his hands until it reached his head, which bobbed violently about his jowels rippled back to his ears as he jerked about to the rythm of the music. His eyebrows furrowed dancing about sometimes he looked surprised as if the music his fingers played was unexpected. His nose at times rose up in the air, it could not have been higher had it been pinned to a clothes line, hung out to dry. He looked rather regal and haughty.
    The bow skated across the strings his body moved with the intsrument almost as if they were one. His fingers flew up and down the neck, nimbly running up and down and across, they had a life apart from the man. His dark hair parted on the side bounced about as his head moved abrubtly with the music. The strings sang as his bow slide across the notes rushed out nearly past the listening ears. 
     Both pianist and celloist played one with their instruments completly and totally absorbed in the music which carried them.

Saturday, June 17, 2006
a unicorn is just a horse that comes to a point
they got lost once. they thought they had lost me. but they hadn't. i knew where i was. and i knew where they were I wasn't the one lost.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006
SPACESHIP PEED IN A CUP!
SO DRINK IT!

Thursday, June 29, 2006
hehe...i want to hire someone to follow me around singing/humming/whistling/playing my own theme song....and it would change ALL the time. lol...
i could never sneak up on anyone cuz they'd hear my music comin...
OOoo i also want to hire some big scary guy to follow me around and look intimidating...
just cuz i can.
and...they'll all be on my island...
i should make a list of all the things i said i wanted for my island....
nope.
got to much other things to do.

now that i've puked all my thoughts into this nice little blog box...

Monday, June 26, 2006
i didn't mean to melt into the couch.
its a very melty couch...it kind of sucks you in. lol.

incredible
edible
.......
............
.......
...possum

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

jos asked if a person could like interact with mickey mouse using one(green screen). i said yeah sure.

then his eyes lit up as he continues...'what about Curious George?'......

Thursday, July 06, 2006
today is not my day to die.

Friday, September 01, 2006
i was just walking along minding my own business, when a butterfly crashed into me...
nobody was hurt...

Monday, August 28, 2006
if only they knew....HA...lol...born'n'raised on krazy high self-esteem. one o' these days its gonna get me in trouble.

Monday, September 18, 2006
i know they're watching...lurking in dark corners...battering the doors and windows of my mind...
God Give Me Strength.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006
so apparently you can have a romantic dinner without a man...
and you call it a "Ro-Tic" dinner...o_O...weird.
Monday, January 01, 2007
and i can't wait to see what this year brings!
i'll turn 18....graduate highschool
go to college
Blake will turn 1 years old....
gosh...i don't even know what else will happen!
it's so exciting...and scary all at the same time!

-----
(just want to point out that i had NO FREAKING IDEA what i was in for....)

I'm beginning to understand

I'm not really sure why God does the things that he does...

I haven't the slightest clue why he would bring someone into my life, only to have them dissappear again...

really...it doesn't make much sense.

however.

He does, and he did. And i'm sure there is a reason for it.

I know that there's a lot to learn...

but why me?

seriously....

this isn't quite what i asked for...

part of me is frustrated for....i don't know...for expecting too much,

for being hasty

i really really don't want anyone to get hurt.

Nonetheless...there is something important to be learned...

i really hate to be a whirlwind whatever...in and out of someones life before they know what happened....

but that's the sort of feeling i've got at the moment...

i spose i'll just keep my eyes open, my wits about me, and my prayers heavenward.

i don't want my intentions to be mistaken for anything they're not...

-----

I'm going on a roadtrip this weekend!!!! yay!

headed up to north country! to visit the superfantastic Jared :D! with janna!

I am SOOOO EXCITED! holy crap!

it's gonna be a freaking blast! we'll be up there for a few days!

man....sometimes i forget how much i really miss these guys, especially admist all the recent drama...ugh...i hate drama...

anyhoo..my mackinac people. probably some of the best people in the whole entire world...

like...seriously...

you guys = fuckin' awesome.

:D

i CAN'T wait to go back! i miss it a LOT! only....4-5ish months.... o_o

so long...

hopefully time will pass quickly, specially with classes and all. Which are looking pretty good for the semester... :)

my heart can't help but hope

i don't really want to say too much

i don't want to ruin it

or jinx it

really, i want this to work out

i've been waiting for this for a long time

it's exactly what i asked for and more

i was beginning to think it didn't exist...

sometimes we have to give up the things that we want, to do the things God would have us do.

about a week or so ago, i did that, i let it go and gave it to God to take care of

it almost seems to good to be true

i think, i'll just leave it at that

we'll see what happens...and i'm sure if anything does happen

it'll end up here at some point...maybe...

i don't really want to share it right now...

just savor it

I have not lost my mind....it's backed up on a disk somewhere

as my life progresses...18 years, 9 months 10 days and 9 hours later...

i've arrived at the conclusion that

a. i suck at math...it took me 'bout 5 minutes to figure out all the extra time...i actually got up and counted the days backward on the calendar o_o

haha

b. i may or may not be just a bit eccentric...or well on my way there

I strike myself as the type who may be that crazy cat lady, with the big old house, that all the kids in the neighborhood make up stories about her being a witch and eating children...

and that...makes me giggle just a bit....well...the part about the stories...

....

i was going somewhere with this....

...

hmm...well anyhoo

i love my job...well, ok i don't LOVE it, but i like it a lot.

this morning...i sat and did NOTHING for two hours...and got paid :D score.

then...haha..this afternoon, a kid asked me what the ride did...

it's a motion simulator that "takes you to mars" and then back to earth...it's like 5min...but it moves around and all that jazz.

anyways...somedays when it's slow, or i'm particularly bored, i tell the kids that sometimes the ride leaves people on mars. that 6 people get in, and only 5 will come out...

for the most part, kids never believe me...maybe for like..a minute...but then they're like...PSH! whatever!

today however...this kid...

he was probably 9 or 10ish...i'd say he's "Yeih High" but you can't see my hand...

anyhoo...he comes and asks me what the ride does...

so i say..."it goes to mars...and sometimes back"

he goes "sometimes back to mars?"

"no, sometimes back to earth."

"what do you mean?"

"sometimes it leaves people on mars"

"really?! what? no it doesn't!"

"yes it does, i've seen six people get in, and only 5 come out."

"nuh uh!"

"it's true, it doesn't usually happen until it's towards the end of the day"

(it was roughly 3:40pm. we close at 5pm)

"Is it the end of the day?"

"it's getting there"

"i don't think it's true."

"i'm just sayin..."

"ok...i'm starting to get a little scared"

(at this point his friend of aproximately the same height joins him"

the kid to his friend: "She says that people don't always come back"

his friend: "i wanna be an astronaut!"

the kid: "are you gonna go with me?"

his friend: "yeah!"

the kid to me: "are you sure about this?"

me: "well since there's two of you, ya'll got a 50-50 chance, one of you is coming back for sure."

(at this point the ride ends, and i let the people out...the kid counts all the people...everyone's present and accounted for. he and his friend go to get on the ride along with three other people...then the kids like...

"No...i don't wanna get on...."

me: "it's ok, you're not gonna get left on mars"

"i still don't wanna" ( to his friend) "go on without me!"

his friend looks at him, looks at me...i reassure them both that they'll be fine...but they decline and run off...that's the last i saw of them.

..........

i had to laugh a little....i mean...com'on, it was pretty obvious i was kidding...and the kid was pretty old...i would have understood if he was only like...5...hehehe...

whatever, long as i don't get in trouble for it. :-/

some of the guys at work discovered that i can draw...they flipped through my sketchbook, commenting....and decided that i was sexist because i drew a few guys with no shirts, but all the women had clothing...i said that all my people start out naked and then i add clothes...
then they got excited...haha...."draw us a naked woman!" i laughed at them...and told 'em they'd have to pay me. :P

i really don't mind my job though, it's worth the money..it's really easy...though i was thinking today

'bout the things i miss about my mackinac job...
i miss people asking me relevant questions
i miss getting my picture taken :P (even though i'm really not a camera whore...)
i miss being able to talk about the history and whatnot
i miss the demonstrations
i miss that piano in the hill quarters - and freaking people out when i'm in there...
i even miss the dirty old men hitting on me, and all the stupid questions, and the hot days in layers of clothing.

still...i can't complain.

hmmm...this is beginning to ramble...oh well...

school starts monday!!! O_O i'm pretty excited actually...being at home gets pretty old after a while.
haha...my new best friend from school, Jordan, tells me the other day, that she had a feeling that she'd meet a cool guy in her english class..... i said..."yeah i've got a feeling.......................................nope...just kidding...i don't."

hell if i know who i'll meet or not meet or like or not like etc etc etc

I'm coming to terms with the whole 'boy' thing. i really am. Boys are nice, and i certainly wouldn't mind having a good one. keyword...'good'....however in the meantime i don't wanna be the girl who just goes after "whatever-she-can-get"...lame.

right...so this whole thing started about realizations and revelations...

i'm pretentious....i am....i don't know why...i just have this dreadful sense of...'self'?
it's just that..there's a few people i know and a few places that i've been...that when in their company or at that place...i just think to myself...(not always conciously)..."i'm better than this..." oy...shoot me.

i'm actually a pretty kind and generally compassionate person...for the most part...

but then...i spose i can't be perfect?

------------

Creative Research is essentially an artists license to do whatever the hell they want.... and to act like they've lost their freaking mind.... etc etc etc

for real...i should do some sometime......

i think i've written enough for now...i think i'm over the creative block...haha...

now to tackle my closet...to clean and organize O_O if nobody hears from me in a few days...assume i've been eaten by whatever it is that's hiding in the waist-high pile of stuff in there.... o_o

things can only get better right?

ok...so...the world doesn't hate me...totally...

it's just frustrating sometimes... when people i've been friends with for years don't act like friends.

anyhoo...

i braved this crazy weather...mostly to get a calendar, but had dinner with Trace which was a plus...
though...our waiter was hitting on him...haha...

not really...the guy...(philip?) was just really talkative, to Trace...not me... :P

---

every now and again i'll get these random people who find me online and talk to me

and they'll just start tellin' me their life story...or all their current woes...or both

does this ever happen to anyone else?

i mean...why me?

i don't really get it...

---

i watched 'How I Met Your Mother' on CBS.com today...

in it one of the guys got teased mercilessly for a nude painting his girlfriend had done of him

which really has nothing to do with what i was going to say about it...

it got me to thinking about nude art. For my drawing class this last semester we had a Nude model for a week or two and had to draw him.

personally, i enjoyed it. As an artist the human body fascinates me and i wish i had more opportunities to draw/photograph/paint it...but you can't really walk up to someone and be like...'hey can i draw you naked?'.....*awkward turtle*

hm.

anyhoo...aside from that...

i've been suffering from artist block lately....i don't know what to draw...or make...or anything....

:(

jeez...i even ran outa stuff to write...

oh well...

what a shitty way to start...

woo...it's 2008 - (note the sarcasm)

so far...lets see...i slept until 3...called a few people who never pick up or call back...

i'm just tired of it

i feel like i'm just a convienent friend...the one that people'll hang out with, cuz i'm there...or because i made the effort...

no one really goes out of there way to make time for me

no one calls just to say 'hi'...or even leaves me messages of the like online...

what the fuck

i guess i'm not worth the effort...but whatever...that's ok...

cuz Bri's always there if we need her...

god damn it...

i'm more annoyed with myself for letting people take advangtage of me like that, than i am with them for doing it...

i just thought that maybe my friendships meant more...

i guess not...

hello 2008...you've been shitty to me so far